Dream coming true?

But in ”real” life. Might happen. I know this is paranoia and persecution mania, so what? That is what happened to me.

Next weekend I am supposed to travel to Camargue. And now the planes might not go because of the ash-cloud from Iceland.

So many dreams I had when I was unable to catch the train/ship or whatever. Or sometimes getting on the transport but never reached the destination. Dreams where I took command and refused to participate. Annoyed of being stoped at what I wanted to do and then accused of missing the transport. Shit, I am still angry. If they can tell me what not to do, they can also tell me what to do. Now I do nothing. Reversing “progress”.

If this is supposed to be “teaching” …..it sucks. No teacher shall be allowed to harm a student. That creates hate and paranoia, as it did to me.

I will never cross the boundry and get to the destination in this life, not even if I will be able to get to Camargue. I don´t trust it.

Leaving the community

Well, don´t know. But the annoiance of people grows.


I was out with the birders yesterday evening. And it seems now that I don´t need them any more. I have learned what I can from them, and having nothing more to speak of, I think I will stop going there. The only thing we have in common is the birds. They talk about family and politics. Nothing of interest to me.

And likewise about my sister. She calls and talks and talks about things I can´t care less about.

Sometimes I wish I could live in a cave lightyears away from people and their daily business. A camera and a computer would be nice but nothing else. Then I could keep posting on the photoblogs and that would be enough of social business for me.

Why do I have to put up with all stupidities? Nothing matters anyway. The photography and birds is just a way to waste time. But is better then only roll your thumb.

There has been some disturbings about spiritual stuff also lately. I happened to put some nature music on. Earlier it was soothing. Now it is disturbing. I get a bad feeling about it. It is not the music that has changed, it is me. The same thing happens with nature and forest. I have to watch myself to avoid getting into those old feelings of “cuddling” that I used o seek from the forest. They make me feel disturbed now, because I know that giving in to them, would make me voulnerable to the spiritual abuse again. And I don´t intend to letting that happen again.

One problem is that a lot of movies is about religious things and as soon as somebody gets into problems with faith in God I start feeling like vomiting. And I cut the movie off.

Geee, this shit is crippling me!