packing again

Is those two thing the only thing the Universe can come up with? Talk about lack of intelligens. The shitten universe is stupid.

Hitting my head and heart (it is still sour) and travelling dreams. Today was a new version of it. I was on holiday and stayed in a hotelroom. I new I had to leave, but was reluctant to pack. I had forgot when my ride was to leave. Nor did I know what veichle I should go with. I did not care.

The first dreams of this kind, I was always running to catch it. Then the dreams became vivid and I refused to play the game. Still do. So, why do they still go with this things that don´t work?

It is not a nice thing to think your spirit and soul are stupid. So, please, until you come up with something worth doing, leave me alone. You can take the transport and leave me I will not miss you.

I HATE YOU

...with all that I am. I hate you!

Is this all you can do to me? Such lack of imagination.

Today, in the forest, it happened again. That wich I can never get used to, never recover from. No matter how long, in between it is, it still hurts like hell. The bang at my head, the tears that can not be stopped. How I hate it. How I hit my head in order to make it stop. Today, if I had had a hammer close by, I would have slammed it into my forehead. My eyes is still full of dry tears and I have a headache.

I HATE YOU FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS! I WILL RESIST. Never will you get to me.
I hate you!

abducted, another dream

another dream but with a different twist.

I and another person was taken by force and left in a room with some others. We were told that we had to join whatever they wanted us too. They did not say what it was. people left the room one by one until there was only the two of us left. They said we have to come too. We said NO. Forced we are going nowhere, without knowing we are going nowhere.

They tried to persuade us and push us through a door. But we resisted. Then the other person sort of melted, like the chageling in BS5, and he ran into a tiny opening in the wall and dissappeared. O was left and brougth into an office. They told me that it was about a getting to work for a aid thing. Going to a foreign contry to work with needed children. So I should give in and go.

But no, never will I go when forced. I told them they just had to give me a good offer in the first place. And I would have gone. Now I would never do anything.

I was left in a small room for a while then brought to a car. I had lost one bag during the process. Now I was able to run away but then my bag would have been lost.

The dream ends when I stand beside the car wondering if I should leave the missing bag or not.
.*******************************

I wonder if the "changeling" was a part of me, that escaped. I always feels lika I am 2 or 3 parts. Human,spirit,soul. (human, changeling, bag?) Why can´t the other side give me anything I can follow instead of this foolish game. Man…. it makes me tired. Why do they think punishment and force will get me anywhere? Talk about being stupid.

empty .......... dying

There have been a lot of incidents of late. First Ray´s many questions then a few people on swedish bloggs. Wolf Mother Earth one of them. A young woman I had to warn.

I am so tired of fighting it. I am so tired of living this pointless life. But I can´t go back. Go back to what? I can never go back to reading or meditating again. Can´t go back to hope for a wonderful transition. There is no hope left, no belifes for good things. It makes no difference in what way they try to approach me again. I can´t go back.

But I loose the grip, have been keeping myself occupied with photography and bloggs, but it grows tiersome too. Family is expecting attention. And I just find it annoying. It is so empty. Pretending is all I do. Pretending having a good life while the soul is dying.

Dying……….