Yesterday, when I was working out, I actually considered starting meditation again.
I know deep down the soul wants it, but never the less I know it would not bring any good to me. There is no way I can believe it would. So, I HAVE to ignore the longing of the soul.
People say they experience joy and peace, stillness, as being enlightened, but nothing in my life indicates that would be true for me. I can´t let it fool me.
2009-03-31
2009-03-22
The light equals darkness
Somehow it is sad you can´t record your thoughts. In the bathtub I had a nice chain of thoughts, Now I will have a difficult time recalling them.
It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.
Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.
Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.
Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.
I AM ......... observing!
I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M
It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.
Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.
Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.
Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.
I AM ......... observing!
I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M
When light becomes darkness
When light becomes darkness. How is it possible? What is light and what is darkness? How can light BE darkness?
Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.
The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.
Where can I go?
Lost………
Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.
The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.
Where can I go?
Lost………
2009-03-09
Awake 24/7
Last night I started to think about being aware when asleep. Grim and I discussed that about 1.5 years ago.
He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.
If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.
He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.
If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.
2009-03-05
Finally alone
It is a bit ironic, some years ago I longed so much to be alone. To be able to work with spiritual things full time. Meditating, reading, learning, attending spiritual forums and such things. But I was never able to do it, there was always a lot of things to do. Work, kids, parents, social stuff, you name it. Never ever able to do that spiritual work I longed for. Just partly, and all to often being refused to do even that. Being thrown into the wall as soon as I came to close.
Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.
I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.
Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.
I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.
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