SO ALONE!

Yea, alone. There is nothing left. No family, no friends, no job, no teaching, no love. Of course they are still there in the flesh, but not for me to reach. When I am close to family I feel like a fraud. I act like I love them, but I don´t really care inside. Everything has been taken away.

To have friends at forums is now over. I can´t debate that which they talk about. And what I talk about is not heard or seen. It is like what I say and see is invisible. I talk and scream about what I need to express, but nobody listens or hears.

I even asked no-1-awakens to help me. He wrote one letter and started the usual about what I state. Oneness or devisions. I told him about the brainsplit and the hits, and he did not even respond. I wrote again and asked if what I wrote was poisenous or something. No response.

When grim brought up the white light stuff, Dhogzen, it stirred inside me. I was about to leave COT at that time. But, twice, I engaged in discussion, and bitchy star destroyed it. The last time I invited grim to email-exchange instead but then he droped out the forum.

I could not discuss that with starlight around. Don´t need to hear her remarks about split-mind, like it was a crime, diapers and poo.

It is strange, why did I know chip was not done? How did I know grim wasn´t? Now grim is chasing the very thing I endlessly asked of him and he told me it wasn´t there. When he just spoke of Neither. And refused to see life. And chip has progressed and is finally happy.

And no matter how much I tried to explain I KNOW it is but one thing, he, everybody, claimed I was attached. Because I did not see any illusion I was attached!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did not matter how much I explaind you can´t take something out and claim half is real half is illusion. If it is but One thing , it is all real.

Now grim chases supreme enlightenment and I am still sitting here on my chair, writing that chit down. C is happy, thanks for that, I hope grim will one day find it. Myself I can´t even begin to think I should have to study thirty years learning things just to dismiss. It is like I should have to know everything about every molecule in this body to be able to live within it. The little I saw from that book of his, the ancient teachings first teaches a lot about the Oneness just to dismiss it as being the same. Just to try to understand it they first apply qualities but simultainiously say it is not. They invented a huge world that means nothing. Dividing things just to say it is not. Very disturbing.

crying attacks again

there has been some problem with the mailing. Letters go astray or comes very late. Has interrupted the comunication, disturbed it.

071220
Please, I need you to tell me what is good with this. Noone really does that. Nobody tells me why it is good, why it has to be done or what it does to your life. And I need to know.
The exercises does not go well. Night between tuesday and wednesday I did not get much sleep. The crying started. I cried for about 3h. Then I got up and took one of those pills I was given by the doc after the last main “hits” in june 2006. Then I slept.

Did not have time for the meditation later that morning as my dad waited for me. But today I did it again. After about 10 min I had Niagara Falls running down my cheaks instead of a nice Ha. You know, it is not an easy thing to meditate with tears running down your cheaks. So, stoped.

After lunch I went for a bike tour as dad had an appointment with his doctor. I was out for 2,5 h. During that time I had at least 6 crying attacks. Crying, silently shouting so nobody heard, between taking photos of frost. You, know, it is so painful. At one point I the pain was so great I took the bike, lifted it and throw it into the ditch. My cameras and the bag sliding all over the place.

I don´t know what to do. I am so sorry to have to send you this, but I need you to tell me what good HAS to come out of this. Is it really so good it is worth all this pain? PLEASE Bunnie, I need to know. What does it DO to your life?

Two days ago, before the crying started I found a CD on internet. It seems like it is a different kind of Yoga Nidra. As I, at that time, had the impression I might be able to do this now I ordered the CD. So it is on its way. Don´t know if I ever dare use it. It seemed as it was deeper then usual, goes down to deep sleep conciousness, as they claimed. The old one I have kicks you out when the fun begins. L

Please Bunnie, tell me something nice about it. This, my situation, has to end soon. One way or another. I can´t stand this pulling and rejection any longer.

Will not ad more to this. I am too tired to continue. It started too fast and I thought I was allowed to do it.

Talk about spoiled X-mas. Glad I was not supposed to go to my daughter and grandkids.