Every time I try to make things work, somethings turn up and ruines my attempts. I think it would be best if I just sat down and let everyone else decide for me. To try anything is just dissappointing. Nothing works, not meditations, not healingtekniques, not bankaccounts, not work, nothing! And I feel like a HUGE complainingmachine. Hate myself.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
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What is the difference between this post and the one on the 26th?
ReplyDeleteOn the 26th you were on the water...not trying to controle anything, accepting which ever way the wind blew.
Aurora, we cannot controle what happens to us, we cannot make other people behave as we think they SHOULD, as we think they had not ought to bother us.
Have you ever looked at all the expectations you have? Re garding people, your circumstances? The world? And you cannot controle any of these to produce what you feel you have a right to expect. No wonder you feel out of controle. You are. You always were. Me too.
Remember, out on the water? You paddle according to what the wind and the water dictate. You have no expectations of how they should behave so you never feel you are a failure with them.
Comparing the post of the 26th and this one has some valuable insightful clues for you.
Hi chip,
ReplyDeleteI know what you try to do. But I am not in your position and can´t pretend to be. So, should I stop planning? Should I stop paying my bills? As far as I know they don´t pay themselves. Should I keep this appartment when I know I can´t pay for it when I retire? Should I become a sombie?
In MY world it is a huge difference between the two kind of situations you point at.
I know the lake, know how it works. Know how the wind blows. When I want to drift, I go to the right place to let it happen. It makes me feel good. It is a choice I make on a day when circumstances is right. I AM in controle.
For everyday life there is no choice. And a lot of times things is just not working as they should. I know, I should not care and just let it pass. But, I am still human. I want to move to a cheeper appartment in the town of my parents. To look after them and to get a good life of my own. It just don´t happen. One thing after the other keeps me from doing that. Sure, I can stay here and some day being thrown out on the street. And my parents never gets more help then once a fortnight. Because that is what I can afford.If I have to live this life, why the h-l can´t I be in charge of it???????? NOO, don´t answer! I am not in the mood to discuss it.
And, as I am not the Absolute, I can´t pretend I and my feelings don´t exist. The dreamer is dreaming my feelings, how can I ignore that? I can´t!
But, thanks anyway, I know you want me to experience what you do. I just can´t do it.