In the previous post chip suggested I equaled the kayakdrifting with lifestruggles in general. Been in the forest picking the first wild strawberries for the season. Will bring them to my old folks tomorrow.
Mind strolling around freely. Thought the drifting in the kayak could be equaled to the aligning to the Absolute as some speak of. When I drift in the kayak I don´t do much but I adjust the direction once in a while. As I know the workings of the lake I know how to adjust to the route I wish to go. But I can´t work against the lake, then I have to paddle to get where I want.
For now I am not in that calm lake. I am in a white water raft. Hopefully heading towards that lake. But this river is wild. I have to hang on with all my strenght not to be thrown out into the wild water. In this wild river there are no possibility to adjust to it´s movements. You just have to hang on for your life. Because there are no rytm to go with, no going with the flow. It is too wild.
Just a few thoughts. I think… to adjust to the Absolute, you have to know it. Like I know the lake. Chip, if you agree, give me a smile.
2006-06-30
2006-06-29
Why do I even bother?
Every time I try to make things work, somethings turn up and ruines my attempts. I think it would be best if I just sat down and let everyone else decide for me. To try anything is just dissappointing. Nothing works, not meditations, not healingtekniques, not bankaccounts, not work, nothing! And I feel like a HUGE complainingmachine. Hate myself.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
I don´t even know anything any more, it is like my mind is blank. And the damned energy, why does it have to bother me when I can´t put it to good use? And I don´t seem to ever be able to stop it. I really long for something positive.
2006-06-27
the-mystic.org
the-mystic.org describes my situation rather well. Except that I don´t have a background in any church or system. I never even had that faith. I never know what to believe or have faith in. Already at the age of 5 or 6 I thought that believing is Jesus and the church, “was stupid”. From my early twenties I search, with the means of that time, a lot. But never found anything that made me stay. I always felt like an alien. Like I don´t belong here.
This is the headlines:
You Can’t Fit In
Hanging On
You Feel Totally Alone
You Enter Midnight
The Peace Comes
Your Ego Sense
Attempts of the Ego
Dawn of a New Life
I feel the site is good. The article starts with:
“"Dark night of the soul" sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. Yet perhaps a quarter of the seekers on the road to higher consciousness will pass through the dark night. In fact, they may pass through several until they experience the profound joy of their true nature.”
Maybe that is why I keep having this. I feel like it is like that rollercoaster. The site gives not much hope for being finished in this lifetime. But it gives some understanding that might make it easier to live with. Maybe easier to ignore. Earlier I only heard that you have ONE Dark Nigth and then get the transformation. I think this is more real. At least as I live it.
http://www.the-mystic.org/dark-night/
There are more to that site than the Dark night. Check it out. It has lessons that describes the path.
This is the headlines:
You Can’t Fit In
Hanging On
You Feel Totally Alone
You Enter Midnight
The Peace Comes
Your Ego Sense
Attempts of the Ego
Dawn of a New Life
I feel the site is good. The article starts with:
“"Dark night of the soul" sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. Yet perhaps a quarter of the seekers on the road to higher consciousness will pass through the dark night. In fact, they may pass through several until they experience the profound joy of their true nature.”
Maybe that is why I keep having this. I feel like it is like that rollercoaster. The site gives not much hope for being finished in this lifetime. But it gives some understanding that might make it easier to live with. Maybe easier to ignore. Earlier I only heard that you have ONE Dark Nigth and then get the transformation. I think this is more real. At least as I live it.
http://www.the-mystic.org/dark-night/
There are more to that site than the Dark night. Check it out. It has lessons that describes the path.
2006-06-26
A great day
It was cloudy this morning so I thought that after lunch I take a walk in the forest. As I did not have to work today. To get some exercise I put a Cardiodance tape into the video and had some fun exercises.
When it was time to go out I headed for where my kayak is. Had some things to tend to. But as weather became nice I ended up in the kayak instead of the forest. Spent two nice hours in it. A wind as light as a caress took me drifting a long way. Then I crisscrossed around the islands in the lake. Spotted some ducklings here, some geese there. A snake that came swimming. Blue dragonflies landing on the front of the kayak. A childs laughter from the beach nearby. And finally, on my way back, increasing wind to give me some more exercise.
This is food for spirit. Days like this you don´t need any Absolutes to make you feel good and confident. And you wonder why it can´t stay like this.
When it was time to go out I headed for where my kayak is. Had some things to tend to. But as weather became nice I ended up in the kayak instead of the forest. Spent two nice hours in it. A wind as light as a caress took me drifting a long way. Then I crisscrossed around the islands in the lake. Spotted some ducklings here, some geese there. A snake that came swimming. Blue dragonflies landing on the front of the kayak. A childs laughter from the beach nearby. And finally, on my way back, increasing wind to give me some more exercise.
This is food for spirit. Days like this you don´t need any Absolutes to make you feel good and confident. And you wonder why it can´t stay like this.
2006-06-25
Childhood abuse never ends
This has been on my mind for some time now. Best get it out of my chest.
When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.
Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.
When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.
Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.
I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.
I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.
Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.
I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.
As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.
Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.
Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.
If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.
When I got this last attack, around 20th of may, I wrote some friend of mine. This attack was so severe I freaked out, and it was three in two weeks time. I have still not recovered and it is now more than a month since the first one.
Here is an exerpt, you should know that I was mentally “thrown into the wall” and a lot of things was hurting my head. I was cursing the Absolut for throwing shit into me. And for hurting me for no reasons. I was a mess, not knowing what to do or where to turn to. My friend had to put up with a lot.
When I wrote person no2, a man that knows a bit of my background I got some advice to deal with childhood abuse anger. Did not care a bit about the dangerous situation at hand. How is it more important to deal day after day, week after week for 50 years with childhood abuse instead or dealing with the situation that is present?? I got pissed. Said I was not going to cook the same meal 5 times. I already dealt with that abuse, I want to talk about the “hits”. He did not believe me. Is that a male thing? SOOOOOOOO damn interesting with a case of abuse.
Well, I have to spit things out as this abuse thing keeps starting problems that has nothing to do with the first thing. So, here goes.
I was about 4 years when he started. My grandparents lived on a small farm and my older brother and I was often there. So it was easy for grandpa do “educate me” to his whises. The main problem though is not the abuse in it self as people wants to believe. It is the lies, the mental abuse, the feeling of being a criminal that appeared later. The source of a possible threat to my parents, siblings and grandmas happiness if I told anyone so he would end up in jail. The way he bribed me and how he controlled me mentally.
I also blamed my grandmother for not seeing what happened. How could she not, it was visible. Later I realised she was afraid. It was an ongoing thing until I had my first period at 13 years of age. Then I freaked. I realised he could make me pregnant. I revolted and the whole family was in uproar, without they knowing why. Grandma asked me to go back “to normal” because he was so difficult to live with when I revolted. But I stayed away.
Some years later I met a woman where I worked. We started to talk about these things. A wonderful woman. Helped me a lot. As I have a scientific mind I did a lot of work figuring out why I reacted this or that in different situations. I know why I hesitate to commit. I don´t want to be in that situation where love DEMANDS certain behaviour. I am my only boss. A boyfriend I had did not make things better. He was all too jellous.
I have gone through systems that should get you out of all bad stuff. For a period I went through a meditation/affirmation system that lasted 6 weeks. Did not notice any result. I have done other meditations with some better results. Will post that later. I know why I react as I do but, of course, I can´t remove memories. What has happened has happened. And it has shaped me. Now this demand to “deal” with the “fear” and “anger” from long ago times keeps coming back, thus makes me mad at that. It is like a curse where the initial problem does no longer exist but the remaing ripple effects never seem to leave as they keep coming new ones. I can´t “deal” with things that are already overcome. There are more important things to deal with.
As I never found anyone I fell in love with I can´t really know if all that work I did actually worked. I don´t know if I would be able to commit into a marriage. The situation never arised.
Some of the spiritual problems might be due to my refusal to be mentally controlled. I have a hard time “giving in”. But according to an article I read today, it is a brainthing. Not old troublething.
Does some things NEVER end? I am tired.
If you read this far, thanks for listening and hope I did not make you all too sad, but this blog is about the Dark Night. But some say the Dark Night have an end. I just have not reached it yet.
2006-06-24
The Energy again
The energylevel is skyhigh. And my stomach hands and feet is vibrating. Head is dumb. How do I release it? Trying to give it to nature is just a temporary release.
2006-06-23
MIDSUMMER
In Sweden we celebrate summersolstice on the Friday closest to it. But we call it Midsummer.
For 40 years I have been the cook and provider of activities. This year I refuse for once. My system is overloaded with taking care of itself. So I am being “selfish” in order to not make things worse.
Problem is that I can´t give the right reason to why I refuse. How can they understand when I don´t really do it myself. So, to “save” myself, family is more or less angry. Not my daughter though. :-)
For 40 years I have been the cook and provider of activities. This year I refuse for once. My system is overloaded with taking care of itself. So I am being “selfish” in order to not make things worse.
Problem is that I can´t give the right reason to why I refuse. How can they understand when I don´t really do it myself. So, to “save” myself, family is more or less angry. Not my daughter though. :-)
2006-06-22
Fear of meditation
Sure I have been aware of this. But maybe not realised the significance of it.
Since that “Brainsplit” mentioned in “How it started” I have never by purpose got into a deep meditation again. A few times, though, I have probably gotten deep anyway when something needed me to.
I have never used the breathing tekniques again. And only meditated for short periods of time. Not that much at home, mostly in the forest or at the lake, when I can´t resist it because it is so nice. It´s been an “on and off” situation depending on how life is for the moment.
Is it due to fear? Sure. Who want´s that to happen again? I don´t. How can I ever trust it? How can I deal with it? Do I have to?
It took me years to understand that “the splitting of the brain” was probably due to Kundlini.
Since that “Brainsplit” mentioned in “How it started” I have never by purpose got into a deep meditation again. A few times, though, I have probably gotten deep anyway when something needed me to.
I have never used the breathing tekniques again. And only meditated for short periods of time. Not that much at home, mostly in the forest or at the lake, when I can´t resist it because it is so nice. It´s been an “on and off” situation depending on how life is for the moment.
Is it due to fear? Sure. Who want´s that to happen again? I don´t. How can I ever trust it? How can I deal with it? Do I have to?
It took me years to understand that “the splitting of the brain” was probably due to Kundlini.
2006-06-21
Been to the doc
Ok, been to the doc. I recieved an amount of 20 pills for anxiety as the label stated. Not that I see it as anxiety, but maybe it works. I will only use them for emergency situations.
2006-06-20
Too much energy?
Could it be that I have too much energy running around in my body? I´m having a short circuit?
Going to the doctor
Talking to a friend on MSN:
Aurora
Sometimes I get some kind of attacks, I feel like I am being thrown headfirst into a wall, gliding down to the floor and cries from hurting. Both by physical and emotional hurting. I use to think, not again, why are you doing this to me? And then I cry and cry for days. Just like you I guess. It is a tough one when you have to work when it is in the middle of the process.
Aurora
You have some kind of understanding. I have no clue of what or why this happens. It has been like this for about 7 years now. I was happy it seemed to subside, but now it was back as strong as ever. I´ll see a doctor tomorrow, hoping to get some "happy pills". This is dangerous.
Aurora
The problem is that in the active phase I bang my head, hitting it hard. Just to make it stop, with no result, it wount go away. I know about drogs, my brothers are in that business. But I need help.
.********************************
This is in short what this is all about, Soon I am on my way to see a doctor.
Aurora
Sometimes I get some kind of attacks, I feel like I am being thrown headfirst into a wall, gliding down to the floor and cries from hurting. Both by physical and emotional hurting. I use to think, not again, why are you doing this to me? And then I cry and cry for days. Just like you I guess. It is a tough one when you have to work when it is in the middle of the process.
Aurora
You have some kind of understanding. I have no clue of what or why this happens. It has been like this for about 7 years now. I was happy it seemed to subside, but now it was back as strong as ever. I´ll see a doctor tomorrow, hoping to get some "happy pills". This is dangerous.
Aurora
The problem is that in the active phase I bang my head, hitting it hard. Just to make it stop, with no result, it wount go away. I know about drogs, my brothers are in that business. But I need help.
.********************************
This is in short what this is all about, Soon I am on my way to see a doctor.
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