To BE and Not to BE

There has been a lot going on lately.

Today I have come to some kind of conclusion.

There are so much I don´t like about this “Enlightenment” business. So many contradictions.

Illusion:
I just don´t like the concept of illusion. To me there are no illusions. Just different ways of percieving. Due to limited body and mind. Sooner or later it will all be explained.

All this:
emptiness, nothingness, no thing, one thing, all there is, nothing exists, except Maya.

There is Maya, but maya does not exist????!!!!?? But “we” have to be there anyway!

I am here, but it is not me. I don´t exist. But ego clearly exist as it is a big deal of getting rid of it. But ego does not “really” exist either, as there is no existense apart from The Absolute. I can easily get rid of everything as “I am already that”. What ever “that” is. But, there are “ego”…………. No nothing exists.

I can´t even die, as no matter what, no future, no history, no self, no vision, just what “I really am”. That mysterious “thing” that exists despite it is dead and gone. But that is the true me. I can´t die. I exist even if I don´t exist. :-(

What the h-l is that???

When I become “that what I truly am” the rest of the world becomes shells and robots. “I” have a robot too. A nice one that goes about it´s business. Does not care if “I” am present or not. Don´t seem to be needing “me” at all. As they say. So, what is that “robot” that goes about it´s business?? Is there a soul in it??? Does it have thoughts of it´s own? Probably, as we are fighting now and then.


Negation:
What is really the point in claiming “I” am not the “Ego”. It only means “I” am something else. The lifeforce of the Universe? The Absolute? Nothing? But, yeah nothing does not exist?! Why should I negate something I know I am not?

I don´t want to BE and NOT TO BE. Exist and not exist. In ANY form what so ever. Not to be dead and yet aware.

When the woman that is Ladyhawk is dead and buried and the ego and spirit is also gone I don´t want it to be any trace left of me/us. No memories, no awareness. What the Universe, which I believe to be “lifeforce” really is, is not of my concern. Why should I struggle a lifetime to become “the lifeforce”. Or nothing, or what I truly am? I as a human are not the lifeforce, but it is “driving” me. If the Lifeforce, The Absolute, needs me it has the power to claim me. But it is not my concern.

phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Tomorrow is christmas eve. Could I be reborn please???? Without this struggle?
Thread on SDF