Rotten stump

I am frustrated. More then I have been for a long time. What bother me most is that I am so completely out of control. I can do nothing. I cant meditate, I can´t stop the process. I can´t slow it down and I can´t speed it up and get it over and done with. I can do nothing. I feel so helpless.

I don´t feel alone because I have always been “alone” and are used to that. But I am getting empty. Last friday, midsummer eve, I took a walk in the forest. It was a rainy day and I was supposed to have dinner with my sister later on. As soon as I got into the forest my hands get heated up. But this time energy was drawn away from me. At first I did not care. Thought of your letter and accepted it. But then I it was getting to much and there was nothing coming in to replace it. To make the story short I have to say that for the first time I took to violence. I saw a rotten stump and I kicked it into a milion pieces. Then I took my umbrella and hit it as hard as I could to a trunk. The umbrella was broken and I started to cry hysterically. I ended up with a headache. I hated them. I wanted to build the walls again. It was terrible.

I pulled myself together and got home. Put some good music on and made the dinner.