Brainsplit

The END
Yesterday night I got an answer from Yogaville. One of the teachers wrote me a letter instead of the swami. I was glad and took it as a kind of positive reaction to my stopping meditation. She wrote a little story of a girl waiting for her father. (He made her a puzzle from a newspaper teared apart. She was clever and turned the pieces upsidedown to finish because on the backside was a picture af a human face.) She also explained the "snapping" in my head as "adjustments" to meditation.
I took this little store as a sign that I might find an easier way than the complicated way of mentalism, so that might be the way for me.

With a little hesitation I sat down this morning to meditate. It started OK, I seemed to be "going somewere", this computerstorage was gone. But suddenly there were two hands grabbing my brain and ripped it apart. I fell out, all crying, and felt a strong urge to go and commit suicide. I was crying. This was surely not what I had expected. If this is the benefit of meditation, I will NEVER sit down again. This was the END of that. If all they can do is to fool you and make you feel miserable then I better do without it. It is now 3 h since it happend and I still feel the need of committing suicide, but that will have to wait, there are things I have to do first. My watch told me it took only 22 minutes for this catastrophe to take place.

I think I might put this on the net to warn others. So far I have not find anything that makes it worth it.
I will have to write this teacher to thank her for her time, but how do I tell her what happend???

Another day 2000-02-18 diary notes

From diary 2000-02-18

So, another day.
Today was a bad day. Started with meditaiton this morning. It was rather short. Stoped after 38 minutes. But I suppose that was because I went mad.
Started as usual. But after a while it started to mix up with computers again. As I was trying to stop the thoughts in the "room" where I use to, I suddenly felt that I was trying to "open a programfile" but I could not find the program that was connected to it. Just like when you get an attachment with a mail and you don´t know with what program to open it. It was like the meditation I use to do was stored in the same way a computerfile is saved. And that the program needed some work before the program could be opened and running properly.
I went out of meditation and went mad like hell. So now I will not meditate for a while. If it is going to be like this I guess that I might be concidered mad. Could it really be that the mind and computers are working in the same way??? That the processes are analogical? Is that what they want me to bring to the world? Hard to belive. I need prof. And good prof.

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What the hell is it all about? If sombody need me to do some work for them, they can at least tell me what it is all about. I don´t like to be pushed around in ways that seems quit suspect. I desided not to meditate again before I have get some proper answer. That will not be easy, I know that. We had fights before and after a few days I am back in the trap. Well, trap, but it is how it feels right now. But now it is going to far. I must know what is going on! I can´t work if I don´t know the waw and what they want from me. This girl Elli thought that they might have been trying to heal me, but now I don´t know. With all this strange thoughts in my head. I was so mad that I sent a mail to Robert Larsson and Tomas and said that I will not go to The States this summer. I can´t anyway. This mentalism is TO much contradiction for my taste.

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Now there will also be a problem next wednesday if this matter is not solved until then. What to do with the Yoga class? I will have to leave before Yoga Nidra.
Why am I writing??? Well, thoughts does not stop until I have written this down.
Damn!!!!!!! K