During the autumn I started to get a lot of energy in my hands. I did not need gloves when it was cold because of it. I told my friend about it. He adviced me to go and learn healing in order to harnest the energy. I started to investigate the possibilities quite happy to might be able to help. This evening I was searching the Internet for classes in my area. After a while I suddenly got a “hit in my head”, like lightening striking from the right hand side and the words DON`T DO THIS!!! Really harsh screaming at me.
I was terrified. I thought it was a good thing to do and then I was “thrown into a wall as if I had been a small child doing forbidden things”. I cried.
It took another year before I started to investigate that matter again. I think the energy is rather strong. I started to try healing around X-mas time. Continuing for three months, I did it for my daughter and my father. But when both of them ended up in hospital I stoped. I had read a book on Reiki where they recommended a test. You should take a tomatoe, divide it in two and put them in two covered jars. Then one of them should receive Reiki twice a day. After two months both of them had dark dots on them and looked about the same. The difference was that the one that had recieved Reiki was a little mouldy and had less dark dots. Not much difference.
2000-12-28
2000-04-24
Meditation on people
Heartchakra, Meditation on people
On the net I found a wise man in India, in this blog I´ll call him S. After a few mails
S suggested that my heartchakra was closed and gave me instructions on how to deal with it. I was told to go into meditation, then I should meditate on people I loved and people I disliked. I was supposed to change the feelings towards the disliked ones. To make it easier he recommended to start with the easy ones. Those you love.
I started out on april 23. I decided to start to meditate on my granddaughter as she was my oldest, 6 yrs. After a while she was in front of me. But then a hand gentley pushed her aside and my firstborn grandchild came in. He died at an age of 7 weeks. He sent me a mental message that he was the firstborn that I loved, he should be the first one. How true. He was soo welcome.
Next day I started the meditation and the third of my grandchildren wanted to be added to the crowd. After a while a fourth person came in, uninvited. Who it was? It was ME! Do I need to love and forgive myself??? Does not seem as I have to ad people. They comes by themself!
Well, after going through a lot of loved and liked ones I started with the “bad guys”. Grandpa first out. (See post 2006-06-25) I was greatly surprised when he appeared. First he was not alone and there was a table where he sat down. With my grandma behind him, as a guard!!! He was not allowed to see me alone. It was like one of those Jailsettings in a movie.
Well, continued with some other people. One a day as I meditated once a day at the time. The whole process took about 4 or 5 weeks.
A good one. (My grandson and my grandparents was dead, all others living)
Sidenote:
Two years later I told my granddaughter this story. She loved it. They often talk of this older brother and now she feels that she actually met him.
On the net I found a wise man in India, in this blog I´ll call him S. After a few mails
S suggested that my heartchakra was closed and gave me instructions on how to deal with it. I was told to go into meditation, then I should meditate on people I loved and people I disliked. I was supposed to change the feelings towards the disliked ones. To make it easier he recommended to start with the easy ones. Those you love.
I started out on april 23. I decided to start to meditate on my granddaughter as she was my oldest, 6 yrs. After a while she was in front of me. But then a hand gentley pushed her aside and my firstborn grandchild came in. He died at an age of 7 weeks. He sent me a mental message that he was the firstborn that I loved, he should be the first one. How true. He was soo welcome.
Next day I started the meditation and the third of my grandchildren wanted to be added to the crowd. After a while a fourth person came in, uninvited. Who it was? It was ME! Do I need to love and forgive myself??? Does not seem as I have to ad people. They comes by themself!
Well, after going through a lot of loved and liked ones I started with the “bad guys”. Grandpa first out. (See post 2006-06-25) I was greatly surprised when he appeared. First he was not alone and there was a table where he sat down. With my grandma behind him, as a guard!!! He was not allowed to see me alone. It was like one of those Jailsettings in a movie.
Well, continued with some other people. One a day as I meditated once a day at the time. The whole process took about 4 or 5 weeks.
A good one. (My grandson and my grandparents was dead, all others living)
Sidenote:
Two years later I told my granddaughter this story. She loved it. They often talk of this older brother and now she feels that she actually met him.
2000-03-12
How it started "Am I tricked" 2000-03-12
A piece of history from March 2000:
Last year I joined a yogaclass. I have been practising yoga and meditation before, some years ago, but stopped because of limited time. Now I was out of job so I started again. It is easy for me to relax so several times I got down deeper than the others and had trouble getting out of meditation when class finished. Once I was feeling "drunk" for 30 minutes afterwords. Not funny to go home then in the middle of the night. The teacher had no idéa of why, according to him I should be able to "go out" whenever I wanted. So I had to stop class.
During the summer I was urged to meditate. It increased both in times and length. At the end of summer I got a job and again limited time. I was at that time doing Yoga Nidra and meditation every day. I had that feeling that I was led by something. I called it Entity. It guided me. Entity gave me the idéa that it was building or preparing my brain for something to come. Sometimes we had arguments about what to do. It was draining me to much so I had to tell it to replace some of that energy in the end of maditation. (I keep this spelling, for some reason I often write maditation). After that it was better, but not good. Well I stoped yoga and yoga Nidra and continued during the fall only with meditation.
Now, since X-mas, I had some strange dreams about parts of me dying. During meditation different things happend. At first there was nice things or visions, then at the end, bad things. The last thing was two hands coming out of nowhere, grabbed my brain and ripped it apart. I fell down crying and sobbing for a long time. It was 3 weeks ago and I am still affected by it.
I started class again in februari and I talked to the teacher. HE SAYS THAT WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING HAS NOTHING TO WITH MEDITATION AND SPIRITUAL GROWT. And he also says that I should be able to stop a meditation session at any time. But it doesn´t work that way. As I experience it it is like a process. It stops by itself when the process is finished. If stoped by force I don´t feel good or rather I feel worse than usual.
If he is right, then why is this happening? And why am I doing this? He says you can decide yourself what to do. But that is not true. This has nothing to with what one wants. It would be much easier for me to buy Ginseng to feel good and strong. Instead I am sitting here writing to find answers. It won´t let go.
If I am tricked, then I have to stop this, no matter what the cost will be.
Last year I joined a yogaclass. I have been practising yoga and meditation before, some years ago, but stopped because of limited time. Now I was out of job so I started again. It is easy for me to relax so several times I got down deeper than the others and had trouble getting out of meditation when class finished. Once I was feeling "drunk" for 30 minutes afterwords. Not funny to go home then in the middle of the night. The teacher had no idéa of why, according to him I should be able to "go out" whenever I wanted. So I had to stop class.
During the summer I was urged to meditate. It increased both in times and length. At the end of summer I got a job and again limited time. I was at that time doing Yoga Nidra and meditation every day. I had that feeling that I was led by something. I called it Entity. It guided me. Entity gave me the idéa that it was building or preparing my brain for something to come. Sometimes we had arguments about what to do. It was draining me to much so I had to tell it to replace some of that energy in the end of maditation. (I keep this spelling, for some reason I often write maditation). After that it was better, but not good. Well I stoped yoga and yoga Nidra and continued during the fall only with meditation.
Now, since X-mas, I had some strange dreams about parts of me dying. During meditation different things happend. At first there was nice things or visions, then at the end, bad things. The last thing was two hands coming out of nowhere, grabbed my brain and ripped it apart. I fell down crying and sobbing for a long time. It was 3 weeks ago and I am still affected by it.
I started class again in februari and I talked to the teacher. HE SAYS THAT WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING HAS NOTHING TO WITH MEDITATION AND SPIRITUAL GROWT. And he also says that I should be able to stop a meditation session at any time. But it doesn´t work that way. As I experience it it is like a process. It stops by itself when the process is finished. If stoped by force I don´t feel good or rather I feel worse than usual.
If he is right, then why is this happening? And why am I doing this? He says you can decide yourself what to do. But that is not true. This has nothing to with what one wants. It would be much easier for me to buy Ginseng to feel good and strong. Instead I am sitting here writing to find answers. It won´t let go.
If I am tricked, then I have to stop this, no matter what the cost will be.
2000-02-26
Brainsplit
The END
Yesterday night I got an answer from Yogaville. One of the teachers wrote me a letter instead of the swami. I was glad and took it as a kind of positive reaction to my stopping meditation. She wrote a little story of a girl waiting for her father. (He made her a puzzle from a newspaper teared apart. She was clever and turned the pieces upsidedown to finish because on the backside was a picture af a human face.) She also explained the "snapping" in my head as "adjustments" to meditation.
I took this little store as a sign that I might find an easier way than the complicated way of mentalism, so that might be the way for me.
With a little hesitation I sat down this morning to meditate. It started OK, I seemed to be "going somewere", this computerstorage was gone. But suddenly there were two hands grabbing my brain and ripped it apart. I fell out, all crying, and felt a strong urge to go and commit suicide. I was crying. This was surely not what I had expected. If this is the benefit of meditation, I will NEVER sit down again. This was the END of that. If all they can do is to fool you and make you feel miserable then I better do without it. It is now 3 h since it happend and I still feel the need of committing suicide, but that will have to wait, there are things I have to do first. My watch told me it took only 22 minutes for this catastrophe to take place.
I think I might put this on the net to warn others. So far I have not find anything that makes it worth it.
I will have to write this teacher to thank her for her time, but how do I tell her what happend???
Yesterday night I got an answer from Yogaville. One of the teachers wrote me a letter instead of the swami. I was glad and took it as a kind of positive reaction to my stopping meditation. She wrote a little story of a girl waiting for her father. (He made her a puzzle from a newspaper teared apart. She was clever and turned the pieces upsidedown to finish because on the backside was a picture af a human face.) She also explained the "snapping" in my head as "adjustments" to meditation.
I took this little store as a sign that I might find an easier way than the complicated way of mentalism, so that might be the way for me.
With a little hesitation I sat down this morning to meditate. It started OK, I seemed to be "going somewere", this computerstorage was gone. But suddenly there were two hands grabbing my brain and ripped it apart. I fell out, all crying, and felt a strong urge to go and commit suicide. I was crying. This was surely not what I had expected. If this is the benefit of meditation, I will NEVER sit down again. This was the END of that. If all they can do is to fool you and make you feel miserable then I better do without it. It is now 3 h since it happend and I still feel the need of committing suicide, but that will have to wait, there are things I have to do first. My watch told me it took only 22 minutes for this catastrophe to take place.
I think I might put this on the net to warn others. So far I have not find anything that makes it worth it.
I will have to write this teacher to thank her for her time, but how do I tell her what happend???
2000-02-18
Another day 2000-02-18 diary notes
From diary 2000-02-18
So, another day.
Today was a bad day. Started with meditaiton this morning. It was rather short. Stoped after 38 minutes. But I suppose that was because I went mad.
Started as usual. But after a while it started to mix up with computers again. As I was trying to stop the thoughts in the "room" where I use to, I suddenly felt that I was trying to "open a programfile" but I could not find the program that was connected to it. Just like when you get an attachment with a mail and you don´t know with what program to open it. It was like the meditation I use to do was stored in the same way a computerfile is saved. And that the program needed some work before the program could be opened and running properly.
I went out of meditation and went mad like hell. So now I will not meditate for a while. If it is going to be like this I guess that I might be concidered mad. Could it really be that the mind and computers are working in the same way??? That the processes are analogical? Is that what they want me to bring to the world? Hard to belive. I need prof. And good prof.
So, another day.
Today was a bad day. Started with meditaiton this morning. It was rather short. Stoped after 38 minutes. But I suppose that was because I went mad.
Started as usual. But after a while it started to mix up with computers again. As I was trying to stop the thoughts in the "room" where I use to, I suddenly felt that I was trying to "open a programfile" but I could not find the program that was connected to it. Just like when you get an attachment with a mail and you don´t know with what program to open it. It was like the meditation I use to do was stored in the same way a computerfile is saved. And that the program needed some work before the program could be opened and running properly.
I went out of meditation and went mad like hell. So now I will not meditate for a while. If it is going to be like this I guess that I might be concidered mad. Could it really be that the mind and computers are working in the same way??? That the processes are analogical? Is that what they want me to bring to the world? Hard to belive. I need prof. And good prof.
.**************************************************************************************
What the hell is it all about? If sombody need me to do some work for them, they can at least tell me what it is all about. I don´t like to be pushed around in ways that seems quit suspect. I desided not to meditate again before I have get some proper answer. That will not be easy, I know that. We had fights before and after a few days I am back in the trap. Well, trap, but it is how it feels right now. But now it is going to far. I must know what is going on! I can´t work if I don´t know the waw and what they want from me. This girl Elli thought that they might have been trying to heal me, but now I don´t know. With all this strange thoughts in my head. I was so mad that I sent a mail to Robert Larsson and Tomas and said that I will not go to The States this summer. I can´t anyway. This mentalism is TO much contradiction for my taste.
.********************************************************************************************
Now there will also be a problem next wednesday if this matter is not solved until then. What to do with the Yoga class? I will have to leave before Yoga Nidra.
Why am I writing??? Well, thoughts does not stop until I have written this down.
Damn!!!!!!! K
2000-01-04
Meditation and double crown
Right now I seem to want to write to 2 different persons. To Swami Asokananda Yogaville in the states and to Swami Janakananda in Håå. That will make it 2 different outlooks. (If I´m not wrong Janakananda seems to dislike mr Brunton but likes Milarepa.)
This session lasted for 69 minutes. I was working a little on the chackras in the beginning. But instead of the lotus on the head I put the eaglehead there. That does not really make any difference but I like the picture on the card that I bought. An old Indian with an eagleface on his head. Also I read about the eagle and snake symbols yesterday in an article written by Swami Janakananda. From the Internet ”Spiritweb”. It is nothing new about it but I think it guided my thoughts a little. I also started to read the chapter about relativity in Mr Bruntons book. After reading those pages I really whish that he had lived to see this milleniumshift. All the globe worked together in harmoni.
Well, back to the meditation. In my letter to Swami Asokananda. I asked what happens with the body and intellekt if the mind develops far beyond. I think I have the answer now. You don´t have to leave them. Matter, thought and mind is all but a different kind of energy. The question of development is to get in sync with the universe. That makes it possible to work with them all at the same time. I think this is what the ancient yogi Milarepa did. He turned the whole of his beeing into controled energy. That´s why his body could just vanish when he died. It was no longer flesh.
I don´t have all this lights that everybody seem to have. I only exprienced it a few times. I don´t think I need it. I also don´t have this calm feelings or happiness, but I do have the urge for development. What I experience is darkness, but not emptiness. Sometimes I feel like the hole body is starting to vibrate. Especially the head and the hands. The hands sometimes get so stiff and sticking that it aces. There is also something like sounds but it is not a sound. Hard to explain.
Janakananda wrote about the Doublecrown of Egypt. He made an error. Egypt was TWO countrys, thats why the two crowns. When they joined they merged the two into one. For my own there is another way of seeing this. A few years ago when I was very unhappy, I visited Egypt. Then an idéa came to me. I bought a piece of silver. It show the figure of the eye and the snake with the doublecrown. I thought it somehow symbolised me. One of the crowns was my body with its desires, the other was my mind/intellekt with its desires. Seperate, yet unseperable. The Snake was the supervisor. Also linked to the two crowns and unseperable from them, overlooking what the others was argueing and fighting about, shaking its head but unable to do anything about it. I still have to solve this riddle. How to unite them into one? Or maybe they already are, I just don´t see it. The other day I was thinking: The Universe want´s me, I want the Universe. Who wants who? If everything is pure energy, is there really a difference? Is it relevant to make a definition when I am a part of the universe?
Looks like the meditation gave a lot more than I thought.
This session lasted for 69 minutes. I was working a little on the chackras in the beginning. But instead of the lotus on the head I put the eaglehead there. That does not really make any difference but I like the picture on the card that I bought. An old Indian with an eagleface on his head. Also I read about the eagle and snake symbols yesterday in an article written by Swami Janakananda. From the Internet ”Spiritweb”. It is nothing new about it but I think it guided my thoughts a little. I also started to read the chapter about relativity in Mr Bruntons book. After reading those pages I really whish that he had lived to see this milleniumshift. All the globe worked together in harmoni.
Well, back to the meditation. In my letter to Swami Asokananda. I asked what happens with the body and intellekt if the mind develops far beyond. I think I have the answer now. You don´t have to leave them. Matter, thought and mind is all but a different kind of energy. The question of development is to get in sync with the universe. That makes it possible to work with them all at the same time. I think this is what the ancient yogi Milarepa did. He turned the whole of his beeing into controled energy. That´s why his body could just vanish when he died. It was no longer flesh.
I don´t have all this lights that everybody seem to have. I only exprienced it a few times. I don´t think I need it. I also don´t have this calm feelings or happiness, but I do have the urge for development. What I experience is darkness, but not emptiness. Sometimes I feel like the hole body is starting to vibrate. Especially the head and the hands. The hands sometimes get so stiff and sticking that it aces. There is also something like sounds but it is not a sound. Hard to explain.
Janakananda wrote about the Doublecrown of Egypt. He made an error. Egypt was TWO countrys, thats why the two crowns. When they joined they merged the two into one. For my own there is another way of seeing this. A few years ago when I was very unhappy, I visited Egypt. Then an idéa came to me. I bought a piece of silver. It show the figure of the eye and the snake with the doublecrown. I thought it somehow symbolised me. One of the crowns was my body with its desires, the other was my mind/intellekt with its desires. Seperate, yet unseperable. The Snake was the supervisor. Also linked to the two crowns and unseperable from them, overlooking what the others was argueing and fighting about, shaking its head but unable to do anything about it. I still have to solve this riddle. How to unite them into one? Or maybe they already are, I just don´t see it. The other day I was thinking: The Universe want´s me, I want the Universe. Who wants who? If everything is pure energy, is there really a difference? Is it relevant to make a definition when I am a part of the universe?
Looks like the meditation gave a lot more than I thought.
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