The show goes on

It is strange, still, how persistent the spiritual surge is. It is now 2.5 years since I threw the book into the lake. Or is it 3.5? I don´t even remember. But it is still nagging on me. Never really letting go. It is like a desease, a drog addiction. Destroying my life. Still taking everything way. Human life is of no interest any more. I only do what I have to as liong as I am still here. Paying bills, eating and such. Spending most of the time with photography and birds or stupid games. Just killing time. Waiting for life to kill me. The last year three people on my floor has died. I envy each one of them. And yet..I can´t say I am unhappy these days. It is just sooooooo meaningless.


I can´t understand why spirituality is so persistent, that too is meaningless. They say we have to evolve to become great and holy spirits. What for??? When the universe goes to it´s big crunch, dying, spirituality has no concequence. It is as meaningless as everything else. And I mean EVERYTHING else. NOTHING matters! In the end nothing is left and we have nothing gained for all the struggle and suffering.

I had some strange dreams, but this time I am not sure it was about spirituality. The last one was about a storm and huge waves. It seemed to kill off everybody but me and one child that did stay close to me. It was really tsunami waves.

During my dinner I read about the bird flue in a Birding Magazine. And also about what has to be done about nature variety and bird health. And stuff like that.

I asked myself, maybe I should start to work for the health of nature and of birds. But then, nay….., what difference does it make? In the end it does not matter. And for me, I just spend my days as good as possible in waiting for death. Hopefully the same as oblivion. Nothingness! None awareness. Never again aware.

And in the meantime, I keep taking pics, blogging, hugging grandchildren and my daughter. All of it just a big meaningless game. The show goes on and on.