A piece of history from March 2000:
Last year I joined a yogaclass. I have been practising yoga and meditation before, some years ago, but stopped because of limited time. Now I was out of job so I started again. It is easy for me to relax so several times I got down deeper than the others and had trouble getting out of meditation when class finished. Once I was feeling "drunk" for 30 minutes afterwords. Not funny to go home then in the middle of the night. The teacher had no idéa of why, according to him I should be able to "go out" whenever I wanted. So I had to stop class.
During the summer I was urged to meditate. It increased both in times and length. At the end of summer I got a job and again limited time. I was at that time doing Yoga Nidra and meditation every day. I had that feeling that I was led by something. I called it Entity. It guided me. Entity gave me the idéa that it was building or preparing my brain for something to come. Sometimes we had arguments about what to do. It was draining me to much so I had to tell it to replace some of that energy in the end of maditation. (I keep this spelling, for some reason I often write maditation). After that it was better, but not good. Well I stoped yoga and yoga Nidra and continued during the fall only with meditation.
Now, since X-mas, I had some strange dreams about parts of me dying. During meditation different things happend. At first there was nice things or visions, then at the end, bad things. The last thing was two hands coming out of nowhere, grabbed my brain and ripped it apart. I fell down crying and sobbing for a long time. It was 3 weeks ago and I am still affected by it.
I started class again in februari and I talked to the teacher. HE SAYS THAT WHAT I AM EXPERIENCING HAS NOTHING TO WITH MEDITATION AND SPIRITUAL GROWT. And he also says that I should be able to stop a meditation session at any time. But it doesn´t work that way. As I experience it it is like a process. It stops by itself when the process is finished. If stoped by force I don´t feel good or rather I feel worse than usual.
If he is right, then why is this happening? And why am I doing this? He says you can decide yourself what to do. But that is not true. This has nothing to with what one wants. It would be much easier for me to buy Ginseng to feel good and strong. Instead I am sitting here writing to find answers. It won´t let go.
If I am tricked, then I have to stop this, no matter what the cost will be.
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