"Auroras Dark Night of the Soul"... or...... "The First Step towards Enlightenment"?

Star on COT

2011-04-07T10:56:00.000+02:00

110407 Hi Gates

I wouldn´t be so impressed about her being in the “Dark Night of the Soul”. To my knowledge it was self inflicted and she dragged a lot of others in there with her.

She pretended to be that all loving person that, despite all suffering, loved everyone else. But her lesson to me and others was hate.

She flooded the Forum with her poems too and sent it by mail to everybody without asking if you wanted it, and expected everyone to be grateful for it. The only person she loved was herself.

For a period of time she had multiple users to the forum so she should not be blamed for what she was doing. Harrasing people, spewing poison around her. I know she was far down in the drugs, but you shouldn´t hurt others because of that. It was her own doing. But she let others suffer for it. But she was discovered after a while.

But she was determined, and, probably, got there. I give her credit for that. And she was/is a good writer.

But to see that she was the one that made it throuh, that hurts. While other beautiful people didn´t. People that left the Forum bleeding. Turning away from spirituality. I hope she is happy where she is so it was worth it. But with that knowledge I will never go there. It proves that spiritual growth has nothing to do with being kind and gentle. Everything you learned it should be. You can be as evil as hell and still get there if you are determined enough. She walked, literally, over corpses to get there.

The longing in the heart never leaves, it is probably a function of being a human, but I will never act on it again. Just feel like I should write this down as you wrote me once on the blog.

But she is still a good writer, this might be for real. Can a person change that much? And what about all those she wounded?

http://collectionofthoughts.com/bbpress/

http://collectionofthoughts.com/bbpress/topic/1523

Heart chakra

2011-03-27T10:48:00.001+02:00

Things has been a bit disturbing lately. The knot in my chest has grown. Twice lately, well the last month or so. I have visited COT. Chip seems to be there occasionally and Star like always, still allknowing. Even Mike is back there.

But that was not the reason for my writing. Yesterday I looekd up the chackras to see what was tehre. Found some info on wiki actually.

It is the heartchakra that bothers me. Wiki is good because it is info and not any religious blaha junk. The heartchakra is green and according to this site it is, of course, about feelings. They way “the wounded child” lives here.

That actually clearified something for me. What I always thought was the soul hiding in there is nothing else then the wounded me. So, now I can relax. I am not stopping any soul from evolving, giving me a bad conciounce. I just hide the wounded part of me.

Great! ;(

http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/chakra4.htm

Eddie

2010-12-28T15:59:00.000+01:00

I found some of your letters yesterday night. For some reason it triggered me to see if you were still around. So I started to look for you and for that old Forum I used to attend.
Found both and were amazed!
Both were as if I left yesterday. Nothing had changed. And it´s been 3 years.
You were pretty mad at me because I asked too much about what happened to me. And you could not answer. But instead of admitting that you did not know you got mad at me. You thought you were an all knowing entity in the universe, or the universe itself, and I thought you were arrogant and with a lot of pride. You could not understand my frustration and pain. You could not understand what I ment when I said it was spirituality that smashed my brain. Over and over again. As real as a blow to the head. And as painful as if you hit me with an iron club with all your strength.

Well, I see you are still the same. Still proud of being able to dismiss the pain of the body. Still trapped on body level but don´t even recognize it. You are as trapped as I am. “They” smash your body, “they” smash my brain. The difference is, I know it. I have not done any work the past 3 years. Not since I throw the buddist book in the lake. I´m still pretty pissed of with it. Life is better without it.

As for the forum, they are still there. All of them. Still chatting on the same level. Made me want to puke.
For 3 years debating the same thing that can´t be debated as it is all theories. And it is impossible to know the "truth".

I think I´ll clean up the mailbox now.
Hope all your surgeries are over now.

Yet another weird dream.

2010-12-09T00:04:00.000+01:00

This morning I had another most disturbing dream. With a bit different setting. This time I forgot my backpack in a car after talking to a scoolmate of my daughter. A long dream that continued even when I tried to wake up. As my backpack was in the womans car and I did not know where it was, I was out of everything and could not go home. I had no phone, no key no money. It was a long dream and I can´t write it all down.

After a while I started to be confused, found everything weird and tried to get out of the dream. I almost had to knock myself over to be able to open my eyes.

I am sick and tired of this. For all those years when I was looking for the spiritual change they refused to let me find the “key”. I was refused to try out the things I wanted to explore. They did not trust me to be able to do what I was supposed to. They sent lightnings to my brain telling me “ don´t do this”. They split my brain in two when I meditated. I can´t even count how many times they smashed my head making me cry for weeks. For what shitten purpose? Did they really think I would be grateful being abused? Did they really think It would make me a holy woman? It is now at least 4 years they have been at me telling me I lost it. I never reach the goal. I have no key, I don’t make it to the train, boat or whatever. Always failing. But they did not want me to create the key. They did stop me every time I tried to find the answers. To go home. Now they complain I´m not going.

If they really want me to continue the “search” for “home” they should give me something else, not that shitty dreams accusing me of not reaching the goals. I certainly don´t trust them. They have not earned my trust. If they don´t learn, why shall I? I am not going back to be smashed in my brain all over again. I just want to be left alone. Getting rid of men and spirits made life worth living. Why should I change that?

Bastards!

2010-12-01T15:43:00.000+01:00

I´m mad. You are trying to spoil my life again. I won´t allow it.

1 First the situation with the birder went out of hand. I take too much photos and drink to little coffé and don´t gossip at all. To bad, how is that psosible?

2 Then, my landlord called me that I was not allowed to feed birds on the balcony. And they only get jordnötter.

3 Today a woman gestured to me that I can´t take photos of the birds in her garden.

THAT is to much of a coincidence. So many things in a short period of time to make me stop birding. I also had dreams indicating that I should continue the spiritual path.

NO WAY I am doing that! I never go back to those who try to force me to obidience. Bitches I don´t like. And they call themselves spiritual. Trying to fool you it is about happiness and serenity. It is all about playing masters. Kings to be worshipped.

And I don´t worship! Why should I? We are made of the same stuff.

After all those years they still don´t know what I am about. I don´t tolerate to be forsced. Why don´t they learn? Or are abuse the only means for them to make people obey and fool them it is about happiness. Crap, I am not giving in as I know it is a lie.

I have a hard time accepting that people are mean to each other. It was quite obvious when I worked at the school. A first grade class. I know it was due to hormons, but I suffered when I noticed all stupid meanness going on around me. It makes me suffer. The only way to avoid it is to avoid people, spirituality and the world. I do like the three monkeys, close my eyes, ears and mouth. And I certainly don´t need a spiritual world that believs only in punishment and evil, instead of kindness and reason.

101014 quiet

2010-10-14T09:15:00.002+02:00

It´s been quiet for a long time now. Only had a few dreams.

The first was only about holding hands with somebody. It gave a nice and comforting feeling.
But when awakened again, I refused to let this good feeling lure me into something.

Next dream was about running from something. But I think that oen came from me. I was no scary tuch to it.

I am happy it cools down. It still stirrs sometimes, but I have no plans of going back there. There is no place for me.

As I still think it is much about balance anyway, I am searching for a “status quo”. I am not going into happiness or bliss, it will only make another unhappy. Nobody shall be unhappy on my part. And I don´t want to be unhappy either so none of that, it is. I live by my own with nothing but my photography. Another 25ears?? What a waste and how boring!

Lost a truck

2010-08-12T09:20:00.001+02:00

This morning I had a dream again. I dreamt I was driving a large truck. And was in a company with another. It neared coffe break so both trucks had to find a place to park them. I park my truck and looked for that coffe bar. Found it and went in. The other driver was almost finished when I arrived so he went for his truck. Finishing mine I went out and realized I could not find my car. And the other was gone. Thoughts flicked thru my mind. Call the other driver…I had no phone. I did not even have a destination to find as I did not know where we were heading. I was supposed to follow the other. So..the only thing to do was wait.

Hm, seams familiar. This is sooo tiresome. Why does it not leave me alone? Maybe one should have some spiritual GPS to guide you. Because spirit guides are not very helfull. Or rather, not helping at all. They lead you astray. But I don´t give a shit anymore.

CRAP! I never go back to look for lost trucks. If I don´t get the means, I´ll never do the job. I can´t and I will not. It´s that easy, don´t they know that? They are stupid.

The show goes on

2010-07-18T00:33:00.000+02:00

It is strange, still, how persistent the spiritual surge is. It is now 2.5 years since I threw the book into the lake. Or is it 3.5? I don´t even remember. But it is still nagging on me. Never really letting go. It is like a desease, a drog addiction. Destroying my life. Still taking everything way. Human life is of no interest any more. I only do what I have to as liong as I am still here. Paying bills, eating and such. Spending most of the time with photography and birds or stupid games. Just killing time. Waiting for life to kill me. The last year three people on my floor has died. I envy each one of them. And yet..I can´t say I am unhappy these days. It is just sooooooo meaningless.

I can´t understand why spirituality is so persistent, that too is meaningless. They say we have to evolve to become great and holy spirits. What for??? When the universe goes to it´s big crunch, dying, spirituality has no concequence. It is as meaningless as everything else. And I mean EVERYTHING else. NOTHING matters! In the end nothing is left and we have nothing gained for all the struggle and suffering.

I had some strange dreams, but this time I am not sure it was about spirituality. The last one was about a storm and huge waves. It seemed to kill off everybody but me and one child that did stay close to me. It was really tsunami waves.

During my dinner I read about the bird flue in a Birding Magazine. And also about what has to be done about nature variety and bird health. And stuff like that.

I asked myself, maybe I should start to work for the health of nature and of birds. But then, nay….., what difference does it make? In the end it does not matter. And for me, I just spend my days as good as possible in waiting for death. Hopefully the same as oblivion. Nothingness! None awareness. Never again aware.

And in the meantime, I keep taking pics, blogging, hugging grandchildren and my daughter. All of it just a big meaningless game. The show goes on and on.

Dream coming true?

2010-04-19T09:10:00.001+02:00

But in ”real” life. Might happen. I know this is paranoia and persecution mania, so what? That is what happened to me.

Next weekend I am supposed to travel to Camargue. And now the planes might not go because of the ash-cloud from Iceland.

So many dreams I had when I was unable to catch the train/ship or whatever. Or sometimes getting on the transport but never reached the destination. Dreams where I took command and refused to participate. Annoyed of being stoped at what I wanted to do and then accused of missing the transport. Shit, I am still angry. If they can tell me what not to do, they can also tell me what to do. Now I do nothing. Reversing “progress”.

If this is supposed to be “teaching” …..it sucks. No teacher shall be allowed to harm a student. That creates hate and paranoia, as it did to me.

I will never cross the boundry and get to the destination in this life, not even if I will be able to get to Camargue. I don´t trust it.

Leaving the community

2010-04-10T00:50:00.002+02:00

Well, don´t know. But the annoiance of people grows.

I was out with the birders yesterday evening. And it seems now that I don´t need them any more. I have learned what I can from them, and having nothing more to speak of, I think I will stop going there. The only thing we have in common is the birds. They talk about family and politics. Nothing of interest to me.

And likewise about my sister. She calls and talks and talks about things I can´t care less about.

Sometimes I wish I could live in a cave lightyears away from people and their daily business. A camera and a computer would be nice but nothing else. Then I could keep posting on the photoblogs and that would be enough of social business for me.

Why do I have to put up with all stupidities? Nothing matters anyway. The photography and birds is just a way to waste time. But is better then only roll your thumb.

There has been some disturbings about spiritual stuff also lately. I happened to put some nature music on. Earlier it was soothing. Now it is disturbing. I get a bad feeling about it. It is not the music that has changed, it is me. The same thing happens with nature and forest. I have to watch myself to avoid getting into those old feelings of “cuddling” that I used o seek from the forest. They make me feel disturbed now, because I know that giving in to them, would make me voulnerable to the spiritual abuse again. And I don´t intend to letting that happen again.

One problem is that a lot of movies is about religious things and as soon as somebody gets into problems with faith in God I start feeling like vomiting. And I cut the movie off.

Geee, this shit is crippling me!

Time to throw all religions out of the window

2010-03-21T21:19:00.000+01:00

Took a walk in the wet snowfall today. Don´t think about spiritual stull much nowadays. But occasionally it comes back.

Was thinking about happiness and wars. I am quite good nowadays. Feel great and content. Mostly anyway. And it shows in my sleep patterns.

I have abandened all men and spiritual stuff in my life. So, if I am good about that maybe he world would benefit from doing the same. Most wars nowadays are because of religions. If one want a world liberated of wars religions must be taken away.

The things uniting people today are music, trade, scinece and Internet. Those four things will eventually make the world a better place.

-Music…. All around the world music is streamlining. Cultural music is still there but is fading out.

-Trade…. Most everything we buy comes from all parts of the world. To be able to buy them we have to have peace.

-Science helps people understand a lot of things. There is no magic, only things we don´t yet know. But one day will.

-Internet…. Makes people understand each other. In my other blogs I have people from all over the world visiting me. The Bird blog is now visited by 40 countries and the photoblog has now visiters from 64 countries. That is amazing. My interests unite so many people.

Religion or spiritual stuff can´t do that. They are celfcentered and thinks only about itselfs. And that creates conflict. There is no generosity about it. They claim to give you peace of mind but that is not true.

I have spoken to several “enlighened” persons by forums and mails, and they are for he most part completely unable to help in spiritual matters. Despite they calim to be able to.

You are the only one that can give yourself peace of mind.

Locked up in the middle……

2010-02-18T00:03:00.002+01:00

………….with nowhere to go!

Strange thought coming to mind.

There are men trying to catch my eyes. Events trying to get me to join the “life of the living”. And it only makes me feel uncomfortable. I can´t go back to believe all little things that happens is important. To believe I could make a difference some where. Experience tells me it is not so. Experience tells me nothing matters.

Sometimes the body longs for a touch. But I have never been a person for companionships. I am a looner. Ask my daughter about it. If I let someone come near……it would only be problems I really don´t want to deal with.
On the other side there are still the longing for spiritual evolusion. And final change. But there is no hope left. Too many times I have been stoped. Been hit and made suffering. I see only the bad part about it now. I could never see the peace some others talk about or wonders of the universe. It´s locked up deep inside somewhere.

So, stuck in the middle with nowhere to go. Not left, not right, not forward or backward. Inward?? As empty as everything else. I don´t belong anywhere.

Science reveals the wonders of the universe piece by little piece. Spirituality refuses to share.

I am..and suffering

2010-02-07T12:00:00.001+01:00

A man visited my nature blogs. On the profiles description it says “I am”. Nothing more.

Instantly my heart jumps. Hoping, wanting…. To get answers. Is he “I am” …. Or is it a wishfull thinking? A lot of people says they are, just to feel important. They think they are better then they are. Or hoping that “fake it till you make it” is relevent to this area as well. I was visited by it once, but it does not make me think I am that.

Lately I have been thinking about teachíng and forgiveness.

A teacher or parent ALWAYS explain what the teaching is about. So one is not disturbed by “punishment”.

If what they have put me through is “teaching” why have I not received an explanation to whot the teaching is about? I have a hard time forgiving things I have no clue of. I have to understand to forgive.

I can forgive an evil man if I understand his brain is not working as it should. But I can´t forgive the pain they gave me, without understanding why it was given. Because questions is always there. Did they give it because I made something wrong? If that was the case, what did I do? Did they give it for the fun of it? (That is what I think as I see no other reason.)

I have learned that some people have to wait for “the right time”. Some visions I had indicate that, was I moving to fast? Why the hell don´t they make me understand. What I hate so much is when somebody says “you don´t understand” without even trying to make them understand.

How can I forgive something that is supposed to be good, when it only gives me pain and suffering?

I thought it was over with that whipdream. But now I see it isn´t. I have a hard time with life as spiritual things is all over the place. People visiting my blogs often see the spiritual quality of nature in my photos. It is somewhat awkward as I try not to. And you can´t open a newspaper without see, first war then what people hope will end it, spirituality and religion. And they will all be dissappointed.
There is no end to suffering.

All those years got me nothing. :(
in 2003, I AM

hormones

2009-12-10T12:02:00.001+01:00

I hate being in a body I can´t control. Being ruled by body functions and hormons.

Having to eat and drink. Go to the loo. Spending soo much time to maintain the function of 65 kilo of flesh and blood that you can´t control. What a prison.

Now I am in a situation that again causes me a lot of trouble because the body reacts as a body reacts. Without asking ME what I want. The body works on it´s own, dragging me with it. They talk about Mind over matter, but it is Matter over mind. There is noway you can cheat biological reactions.

I will be forced to stop attending the birder meetings. To, again, be on my own.

This man makes my body jump. I have known him for almost a year and a half. But not met him so many times. A year ago I noticed, occaisonally, how he started to send feelings. And….that is disturbing. Especially as I did not know if he is single.

I am 64 and it is still the same. This guy looks at me and tries to get attention in different ways. At the same time there is a woman clinging to is sholder. (She is new to the club, but obviously the kind of woman that does not like to live alone.) How the hell am I supposed to react??? Can somebody tell me? I don´t know if they are together. When I look at her….they are. Looking at him……they are not. But in 18 months we came no longer then an unused telephonenumber. Despite he obviosuly like me and I told him I would appreciate accompany him on birding trips.

I have to stop attending those meetings because he is stirring up so many emotions. And I can´t handle it. Running away again? Sure! I don´t know how to play this game anyway. As I don´t know how to play the spiritual game.

Body, mind and spirit……… it is all shit. Pointless games for no purpose.
And....why does not feelings grow old? Like the body? They don´t match each other any more.

The whip

2009-12-01T11:00:00.001+01:00

Dreaming again. This time it was an unusual dream. Not straight as it used to be. I only remember the end.

In the end of the dream the male appeard. This time he shifted somehow between good and evil. Like it was unsure of its status. That is somehow good, because too good and too evil is wrong, as it is the same thing really. I was watching while it flickered back and forth. Failing to choose one side. Unable to scare me or tempt me.

Then I realised I had a whip in my right hand. I raised it and swung it at the male. I was not used to it. I hit his left arm and it fell of. And now I controlled the dream. I lifted my arm again. And smashed his right arm. Again, my arm, in pain, but I hit his head from the side and it fell off. Now I thought “he is dead”, but then I realized I had to hit his heart. In all tales you have to hit the heart for them to be destroyed and stay dead. I lifted my arm again. High! And now I have got the hang of it. I smashed the wip with all my strength, hit the body from right shoulder, through the heart and to the left hip. When I saw the bodypart sliding down, I thought “now you will never bother me again”. I stood with hanging arms and I dropped the whip to the ground, turned around and left.

The dream makes me mad

2009-11-16T13:43:00.002+01:00

That dream, in the last entry, just makes me angry. There “he” comes, dressed like everybody else, but still without a face. Making me believe he is somebody else until he said that about the head. He should know it, he is the cause of it, the shrinking. He denied me everything and gave me nothing but sorrow, suffering and hate.

They don´t even trust what they themselvs created. I still don´t understand it. It is said we are created to conquer a certain task to improve ourselfs. But they don´t trust us to do it. They have to interfere every now and then to make certain it goes as planned. Others may think the guiding is something to be proud of. But it pisses me off. If notning else, it is so lousy performed. Giving riddles nobody understand. Some people spend years to try to figure out stupidities. And still can´t be sure of the meaning. And why the h-l all that hitting me? For what reason? Did he think it would make me a better person? A saint maybe? No, being hit for no reason only creates hatered. Every parent know that.

Next time I have a similar dream and recognize it, I will take controll, and then hit his faceless face….hard! I have taken control over dreams before, I can do it again. Next time I WILL hit him! He shall not fool me again. And….I hope to shrink to zero so he can´t find me again.

cows and head

2009-11-14T10:34:00.001+01:00

I was dreaming a long dream this morning.

I think I have dreamt a similar dream sometime long ago. It was all so familiar.

I was at my old working place. A 10 story building. With only offices in it. I was told I had to take care of some cows that was beeing forced to the upper floor of the building. It was ten of them. But I never saw them. They had to go there for some reason.

I started to tell the boss what I needed for the cows. Like food, waterbuckets, things for tidying them. A wheel barrow among other things. Where to put the droppings. Lot of things. I can´t write it all down. I walked around to make plans, even outside in the forest.

After that I was following a man to look for a piece I designed for the trucks I worked with earlier. And it was manufactured now. It did look good.

When everything was set I and the man was on our way down to the entrence of the building. He put his arm around my shoulder and made me lean towards him. Then he looked at me and said: “it is good to see you again, but I think your head has shrinked”. And I could feel it too, as there was much room for my head on the shoulder. And that was quite OK.

After that most planing was done. And the dream ended.

another thing gone

2009-11-03T19:41:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I took away the painting I recived as a gift from chip. A very dear present at the time. Now I can no longer watch it. As everything else the sight of it hurts. Now there are only one more thing to remove. The old mailbox, or two of them. They were opened during the time when I still had spiritual hope. And the names chosen from that spirit as well as used in its name.

I am now loking for more suitable mailboxes without bad memories. When the mailboxes are replaced there are only thos blog left. It will remain as a warning to people not to trust the good of spirituality. There is nothing good about it.

fall

2009-10-29T00:50:00.000+01:00

Was biking and walking with the bike among the wetlands today. Sun shining and nature burning in autumn colors.

The old, familiar feeling came over me. The oneness with nature. How I expand into the universe. Being aware of the thin layer between me and the all of nature. Why was it so impossible to break it?

Why was I not allowed to break it? Now it is too late.

another crying session

2009-10-16T11:11:00.000+02:00

There is one person that visits my blog lately. Always telling me how special I am about my relation to nature and my photography. And I feel so bad about it. And I´m about to tell that person to stay out of my blog.

So many years spiritual searchers has told me I am special. That I had a great spiritual mind. Making me believe I might be choosen or something. But the only special thing about me is I am being punished for thinking so. Now I feel bad about people looking up to me. Expecting to have another hit. And I was right, here it is. Crying.. hurting day today.

My daughter and grandchildren has no time for me anymore. Did not have for years in fact.
Yes I wanted to be alone, but I did not need to be abandoned.

I met a men I became a little interrested in. But I was reluctant and he was not forward enough, now another woman has taken hold of him. I never even got a chance. I don´t know “how to give in” to somebody or something.

Today I was asked, by one of my bloggfriends, to give 7 insights of me. And I realised there is no 7 things I can tell about myself. Work is gone, family is gone, political and union interrests is gone, I am unable to hear about daily news, as peoples stupidity and wish to kill each other, hurts me and I don´t want to know about it.

And everywhere I turn is spirituality in any form or shape. And I turn away. There is no place left for me to be. And nothing to tell about myself exept for suffering.

And today I am smashed again, will cry all day inside and out. Maybe for weeks. And can´t do anything about it but to write. And keep myself busy with the nature/photo blogs.

The only thing left of me is “NatureFootstep” and I cling to it desperately.

Grim

2009-10-01T00:06:00.001+02:00

Checking my mailbox yesterday I noticed an orange marking in there. It was the chat service. Some years ago I sometimes chatted with a person that way. But now I had forgoten about it.

I was mildly chocked because it was one of the guys from a spiritual forum. At the same time I noticed two names in the sidebar. It was two females from the same forum. What was all this about now? I hesitated for a few minutes before I opened the chat area. And it was the guy I thought it would be.

I had been wondering about what happened to him so I thought chatting for a while would not hurt. He had been to Tibet for some time and now back in the US again. I asked if he had found what he was looking for but it was negative. So, not even he found it. And he is already enlighened as far as I know.

Well, I was a bit shaky afterwords. I realised how the past two years had affected me. I was forgetting, and it is a blessing. Today my body is protesting. Head ache, stomack out of order. My body don´t like the prospect of being pulled back into spiritual search. I don´t want that. Why did he have to show up?

What shall I do?
What is happening?
I have no desire to start all over again.
Futile!
Leave me alone.

Feng Shui and repressing

2009-09-17T11:05:00.001+02:00

No matter what, even remotely connected to the spirit world, I avoid it.

When my daughter said she finally started to read that Feng Shui book she has, I backed off. She looked surprised. She did not understand how strong this is. That I feel that even Feng Shui can hurl me into unwanted areas. Maybe I did not either.

As soon as thoughts come I put it in the dark. Push it aside. But it makes life difficult. It is hard to avoid things that are everywhere. I make myself blind and deaf to avoid seeing it, hearing it, listen to it. I can´t even read my blog anymore. Pushing it away. “it does not concern me”.
I repress it. Forgetting it ever happened to me.

Soon I think I will have blocked it all. And will cease to write on this blogg.
Soon!

No purpose

2009-09-08T12:14:00.000+02:00

I never understood it to be a malignant force.

So, in my understanding, it was the “good guys” that hit me. For what purpose I fail to understand. Smashing for the sake of smashing, without purpose? Maybe they wanted to find out how long it takes to start hating. If so … now they now.

As it is the “good” side hitting me, I have nowhere else to turn. I can´t set my hopes to a “good god” as there are none. I can only do what I am already doing. Trying to forget it is there. Ignore it.

dream again death

2009-09-06T17:41:00.000+02:00

I was traveling with a group this time. One person did at the hotel. It was Ingemar, my old antagonist. After a day or two when we were supposed to leave, another person died. Roine, this time, a college from the past.

I stayed in a room and had a roommate. The room mate was out when the news came. I went out and spotted the body.

************************************************************
Was thinking of all dreams with obstacles for me. People in the dreams never let me reach the goal. Later all dreams about failing to reach the transport. Except for one dream. I was on the train but the dream stopped before it reached the target.
Where does this leave me? I still hate all of it.

A dream and a sign.

2009-08-31T11:40:00.000+02:00

This morning I had another dream. Thinking of it, it was the second one like this.

There were 3 of us. Or I should say aspects of me.
We were at the hotel and then I noted somebody wanted to capture the smallest of us. Two of us ran away with the third just hanging on. We were chased across town. Trying to hide wherever we could. We were in a building of sort when I realized we had to go back to the hotel to pick something up. A ticket I think.
Then I saw a glimpse of a sign with black border. There were 3 words in Latin on it, starting with the letter M. But that was all I was able to see.

There was no hint on why we were chased or what we were supposed to do. I just knew we should not be captured.

The dream have changed

2009-08-23T09:59:00.000+02:00

I was in a group but lost sight of them when I visited the WC. I strolled around and after a while somebody came looking for me.

Next I was in the hotel going out. One woman came and wanted company down town. She ordered a car and off we went. She drew to the main hotel to fix the room and charges for departure later that day. She said we had to do that because it would be tight in the evening.

Well, I could not do that, because I did not know, and my tickets were still in our hotel. I was not even aware that we were supposed to leave that evening. We were supposed to go home. But I did not really care, if the plane left without me, so what! I´ll do something else. I did not even know where “home” was, that we were supposed go to.

So fragile

2009-08-21T11:21:00.000+02:00

I can´t stand anything nowadays. Even the smallest annoyance makes me go wild with anger. The other day, …the bank. Banks nowadays just hate to give cash to anybody. And I was supposed to have cash. I get so furious on stupid matters that I instantly am thinking of killing myself just to get rid of the pain.

And then, the spirituality. Never really leaves no matter what. Always pushing away, and luring in at the same time. I don´t dare do anything about it. If I do, I end up in hospice. Never to think straight again. Breaking apart!

So fragile, that is what men and spirituality has done to me. People use to say “what did not kill you made you stronger”. That is not true. Those that say so have not encountered another hardship.

CRAP

Dreaming again!

2009-08-10T11:25:00.000+02:00

It was a while now since I dreamt one of those dreams.

Today I was in the hotel, not really aware I should leave. Not until I got some hints from management. Looking at some papers I noted that I should be on the plane now. But that was so far away, did not bother me at all. Do I have to leave my room? Do I care, they will not throw me out? Diffuse thinking, not really there. Distant!
……………….
What I wonder is why they keep sending me that dream? That becomes less for every time, not much left of it. Have they not learned by now, I am not going anywhere. They have not earned my trust.

Revenge

2009-07-15T01:46:00.000+02:00

I was disturbed in the forest today. Was thinking about how the humans are used.
The spirits/souls create human bodies for the sole purpose of their growth. At least so I´m told. But it seems more like a tool they can torture as they please. They call suffering growth. So they can hit the human as much as they want to. Justifying it, as lessons, to become caring and loving and perfect beings. I call it torture. And they seem to enjoy it.

When the human can no longer stand it the spirit/soul takes over and pretends to be enlightened. Disregarding the human being to the trash bin. And then becomes a “holy” person. Loving and caring. What a joke!

I have a mind of my own. My purpose now is to stop them. To prevent whatever goal they had. Make it FAIL.

On my dying day I will have my revenge, failure! The soul will be trapped in the world of matter, will not return to cosmos.
What a joy.

Strange how things turn out

2009-07-13T21:39:00.001+02:00

A couple of years ago I longed badly to be alone and to be able to seek out the spiritual side and evolve into the universe.
I used the forest and lake to escape the world whenever I could. Was almost addicted to them. It helped me to survive all the struggle with work . men and spirituality.

Now I have that solitude. Now the forest and the lake has lost its meaning. I don’t need it anymore. Sometimes all the beautiful flowers and nature I photograph almost annoys me. It is just too much.
Now I have all that time I longed for. And now I spend all that time running away from spirituality. I take thousands of images and post it on my blogs. All of it to make sure there is no time for spiritual brooding.

I don’t know how many times I already said it, but all this crap I´ve been through…….
They say suffering makes us grow, I say suffering makes us hate.

Maya

2009-07-08T10:11:00.002+02:00

Did not mean to scare you away. Please tell me a little of yourself. If you don´t want to do it here write me at
aurora@mail.yellowstone.net

twins ??

2009-07-03T17:27:00.002+02:00

Lately I have felt a great deal of satisfaction because I felt that the spiritual side finally loses its grip over me. Now it can go several days between times when spiritual thoughts come through.

Then, of course, I had to get a mail. A person that called herself Maya (well I think it is a female) said she read my entire blog. And checking the statistics, it looks like she had.

She said we were like twins, that reading about me was like reading her own story. Well, has no clue what that means really. But she probably has not come that far as I am right now because if she was she would not have read that blog. Because I am angry, still.

But I can´t help but wonder why she found it. And what made her read all of it.

I am not too happy about it because it is disturbing. I have no wish to start all over again. In fact I think it is impossible.

That aside, a peculiar thing happened. I was at the flower store and suddenly I realized I am tired of all beautiful flowers. I was startled because I did not think that would ever happen.

Whats New? / GUESTBOOK

2009-06-19T11:56:00.000+02:00

Use this post for comments not directly linked to any post and as a GUESTBOOK

080105 added a post dated 000226, brainsplit

plague or colera, that familiar feeling

2009-06-04T22:02:00.001+02:00

It is so strong today and I was somewhat surprised. It has been calm for some days, I even forgot to check the statistics of the blog.

The feeling of being in a place I don´t belong. Traped in a body I don’t fit in. One would think that being in the body for 63 years should make you one with it. But it is still hard for me to accept it´s needs. Like why do I have to eat? Why do I have to go to the loo? Why sleep?

None of this is me so why do I have to put up with it?

A while ago I was thinking of my sister. Her problem with the company she work in. Her main problem is to bend the company to her will. She want´s to be treated fairly.

And so do I. I do the same thing, I´d like to bend Metro to do what it promises. And against better judgement I try to bend it to my will, to be treated fairly. That will never happen.

On the other hand, having this battle with Metro prevents too much disturbens by spiritworld. It is like having to choose between plague and colera.

I better stick to the butterflies and birds. At least they don´t hurt you.

packing again

2009-05-22T09:54:00.002+02:00

Is those two thing the only thing the Universe can come up with? Talk about lack of intelligens. The shitten universe is stupid.

Hitting my head and heart (it is still sour) and travelling dreams. Today was a new version of it. I was on holiday and stayed in a hotelroom. I new I had to leave, but was reluctant to pack. I had forgot when my ride was to leave. Nor did I know what veichle I should go with. I did not care.

The first dreams of this kind, I was always running to catch it. Then the dreams became vivid and I refused to play the game. Still do. So, why do they still go with this things that don´t work?

It is not a nice thing to think your spirit and soul are stupid. So, please, until you come up with something worth doing, leave me alone. You can take the transport and leave me I will not miss you.

I HATE YOU

2009-05-19T21:36:00.001+02:00

...with all that I am. I hate you!

Is this all you can do to me? Such lack of imagination.

Today, in the forest, it happened again. That wich I can never get used to, never recover from. No matter how long, in between it is, it still hurts like hell. The bang at my head, the tears that can not be stopped. How I hate it. How I hit my head in order to make it stop. Today, if I had had a hammer close by, I would have slammed it into my forehead. My eyes is still full of dry tears and I have a headache.

I HATE YOU FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS! I WILL RESIST. Never will you get to me.
I hate you!

abducted, another dream

2009-05-07T10:19:00.003+02:00

another dream but with a different twist.

I and another person was taken by force and left in a room with some others. We were told that we had to join whatever they wanted us too. They did not say what it was. people left the room one by one until there was only the two of us left. They said we have to come too. We said NO. Forced we are going nowhere, without knowing we are going nowhere.

They tried to persuade us and push us through a door. But we resisted. Then the other person sort of melted, like the chageling in BS5, and he ran into a tiny opening in the wall and dissappeared. O was left and brougth into an office. They told me that it was about a getting to work for a aid thing. Going to a foreign contry to work with needed children. So I should give in and go.

But no, never will I go when forced. I told them they just had to give me a good offer in the first place. And I would have gone. Now I would never do anything.

I was left in a small room for a while then brought to a car. I had lost one bag during the process. Now I was able to run away but then my bag would have been lost.

The dream ends when I stand beside the car wondering if I should leave the missing bag or not.
.*******************************

I wonder if the "changeling" was a part of me, that escaped. I always feels lika I am 2 or 3 parts. Human,spirit,soul. (human, changeling, bag?) Why can´t the other side give me anything I can follow instead of this foolish game. Man…. it makes me tired. Why do they think punishment and force will get me anywhere? Talk about being stupid.

empty .......... dying

2009-05-05T20:41:00.002+02:00

There have been a lot of incidents of late. First Ray´s many questions then a few people on swedish bloggs. Wolf Mother Earth one of them. A young woman I had to warn.

I am so tired of fighting it. I am so tired of living this pointless life. But I can´t go back. Go back to what? I can never go back to reading or meditating again. Can´t go back to hope for a wonderful transition. There is no hope left, no belifes for good things. It makes no difference in what way they try to approach me again. I can´t go back.

But I loose the grip, have been keeping myself occupied with photography and bloggs, but it grows tiersome too. Family is expecting attention. And I just find it annoying. It is so empty. Pretending is all I do. Pretending having a good life while the soul is dying.

Dying……….

I must be out of my mind

2009-03-31T21:22:00.000+02:00

Yesterday, when I was working out, I actually considered starting meditation again.
I know deep down the soul wants it, but never the less I know it would not bring any good to me. There is no way I can believe it would. So, I HAVE to ignore the longing of the soul.

People say they experience joy and peace, stillness, as being enlightened, but nothing in my life indicates that would be true for me. I can´t let it fool me.

The light equals darkness

2009-03-22T20:28:00.004+01:00

Somehow it is sad you can´t record your thoughts. In the bathtub I had a nice chain of thoughts, Now I will have a difficult time recalling them.

It started with my thoughts about good and bad situations. Happiness and unhappiness.
How there really are no difference between the light and the darkness. Yesterday i played some music that usually gives me a good feeling, now I found that it had changed and was not much different from the feeling bad music gives.

Bad is not that bad, good is not that good. We have to seek the Origin. Where it all is. Where order and chaos both resides as one. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. None without the other.

Well, it did not turn out the way I wanted it too. Some things is just hard to put on paper. It´s like always. I think a lot and theories but what remains later is not the chain of thoughts, it is the understanding of what is. Or, not understanding, it is the change.
Well, as I said, some things just can´t be explained.

Yesterday I said that light and darkness hurts me the same way. Not true really. It does not hurt me, I don´t know what it does. I am not hurt and I am not happy.

I AM ......... observing!

I AM ...the Beginning
I AM ...the End
I... A M

When light becomes darkness

2009-03-22T20:27:00.000+01:00

When light becomes darkness. How is it possible? What is light and what is darkness? How can light BE darkness?

Men that is how my soul is right now. Light has the same qualities as the darkness.

The light scares me as much a the darkness. Hurts me as bad.

Where can I go?

Lost………

Awake 24/7

2009-03-09T10:44:00.000+01:00

Last night I started to think about being aware when asleep. Grim and I discussed that about 1.5 years ago.

He asked me what I thought about it. I answered about the same then, as I will now.

If one is truly awakened there will be awareness around the clock. The body will sleep as usual but the mind would still be aware and going about it´s business. The only thing is that, during the sleep of the body, the mind/spirit/soul (whatever) have no way of communicating with the "outside" world. The world of matter.

Finally alone

2009-03-05T19:44:00.000+01:00

It is a bit ironic, some years ago I longed so much to be alone. To be able to work with spiritual things full time. Meditating, reading, learning, attending spiritual forums and such things. But I was never able to do it, there was always a lot of things to do. Work, kids, parents, social stuff, you name it. Never ever able to do that spiritual work I longed for. Just partly, and all to often being refused to do even that. Being thrown into the wall as soon as I came to close.

Today I am finally alone. With no other obligations then paying bills and clean the house. And now I will not do that spiritual work. I have been so beaten up that there is no way that I can do any spiritual work. Earlier I always used the forest and nature to heal myself. That is not possible anymore. I am unable to "turn myself over to nature" the way I did before. Somehow I miss it. It gave the experiencing of nature a certain depth that isn´t there anymore.

I finally arrived at that point I wanted to be. But the circumstances is completely changed. So, in some way, it will be interesting to see what happens now.

What´s going on?

2009-02-24T17:14:00.000+01:00

After a quiet year it has started all over again. Spiritual stuff is soon overloading my poor brain. Flying over my head like thunderclouds. Just waiting for lightenings to strike.

First I wrote a letter to one old friend. But I doubt he will response. He is on a journey to find the Ultimate. At least he was a year ago. I wanted to ask him if he has ever heard about anybody trying to derstoy their spirit? Because that is what I think I am doing. The scattered dreams is telling me so. He usually reads a lot and I think he was going to some guru so, if there is any tale he should probably know.

Then I met this woman online. For the first time I met somebody that seem to have no problem understanding me. And for now that scares the h-l out of me because I am not prepared to get draged back into spiritual search. I am not prepared to, one day soon, find myself being beaten up again.

What is happening?

Memories

2009-02-22T10:55:00.000+01:00

There were a line of thoughts a moment ago.

About, if our lifeexperiences does matter or not, I am not sure.
Those that claim to be enlightened have, to my knowledge, never mentioned having access to other peoples memories or experiences. They talk about a peaceful void. And to my knowledge they never experience the living universe.

Hm, this is hard!

As I understand what they say, our lives has no meaning. There are no nuances in the void that depends on our experiences. We live our hurtful lives for nothing. Just to crack a brain.

If they are right, there is no reason what so ever why we should live those lives with karma involved. Or to live at all. Trying to figure out the meaning of old religions and to live to serve others. To better oneself. As it is said you have to do get to "heaven". It is of no use.

There must be sometning they don´t know. They claim to be the Void, yet they don´t know me. They are still limited.

I am talking about the Ultimate state, not somewhere in between. It has to include everything I have ever been, everything that have ever happened. You can´t take things away because then it is not all anymore.

I just hate this. It´s like trying to grab an emotion with your hand.

Competition in Paris, another dream

2009-02-21T10:45:00.000+01:00

Again one of those dreams. Think it is the second time it was located in Paris.

I was on some athletic competition. A lot of orange colors in the dresses and surroundings. Most of the time I spent in the dressingroom area. After a long time, without competition I realised people was getting ready to go home. So, grabbed some things and ran over to see what it was all about. Did not really think it was time.

Found two of my companions beside a table. So asked them what was going on. They turned and pointed, the bus is soon leaving for the airport. We have to run. So, we started to run then. But then the bus started. And we stoped.

Then I started to check myself, I did not have any money, the bag was not with me. Ticket gone, I was not even fully dressed. No shoes and no jacket. Thought I had to look for it.

At that point I recognised myself. I realised I was in the dream. And all action seased. Never mind to find it. The spirit fails. Still making the same mistake with me. It never learns.

*************************************
The dream was not well structured as this sort of dream usually are. It was kind of sloppy, like the spirit giving up on me. GREAT! Life is good as it is now without this shit. Do I care about the spirit? NO! I don´t. It made too many mistakes and misjudged the human part of the system. I don´t mind if it has to live another life, at least that will not be me. I will sease to exist. The spirit part of me is scattering in the wind. And, can´t help it, but I am happy about it.

Disconnected

2009-02-21T00:35:00.000+01:00

For a month I have been working in a first grade school class. It was a wonderful thing in a way. You really feel the connection to some of the kids. You form a bond between you.

Before that I had my parents to care for. First both of them and the last year only my dad.

My daughter and grandkids lives in a different town so I don´t see them much.

Now I am in the situation that I have been longing for. Can do as I please, at least for the greater part.

I am not sure about all this caretaking. Creations of bonds between souls. Experiencing the fact that souls are not many but one. Belonging. And then it all just disappears.

The old and familiar thoughts of spiritual matters still knocks at the "door". And I still keep the door closed. The questions never answered. I can´t relax as it is pulling. I refuse to start all over again.

I am alone now, in a void. I will remain here.

Fototriss - tre bilder på ett tema: Veckans Fototriss: Triss

2009-02-17T22:33:00.000+01:00

Fototriss - tre bilder på ett tema: Veckans Fototriss: Triss

The energy in my hands and body is back

2009-01-31T11:06:00.000+01:00

I suppose it is because of the knot in my stomach. It has returned due to the problems in the shoolclass where I practise.

It has been gone for almost a year now. And it has been good. This energy and tingling in hands, feet and elsewhere is not of the good kind. And I don´t like it.

I may suffer from persecution mania ….. but can´t help think that that´s the reason why I was put in that schoolclass. That idiot spirit could not make me continue, so it provoked the energy to come back in any way it could. But this is soon to be over, one week left. Then I go back to my walks and trips on the bike. Kicking spiritual stuff out again. I will not allow it to continue.

White egg vision

2009-01-07T10:10:00.001+01:00

The past days the spirit inside me is trying to surface. A lot of thought is coming up and I don´t like it.
In bed this morning I was half a sleep. Then suddenly I was in that vision I had several years ago. The vision where I got free from the maze but was left, beside the structure, sitting naked on my heels.
Now I was rising. Or, rather, the spirit was.
Realizing what happened I pushed myself down again. Flat on the floor. There is no going up. I will not be fooled again.
Stay down and get dead instead!

Canyon Echos - Ancient Visions - Native American

2008-12-31T22:24:00.001+01:00

Somebody is in my head

2008-12-29T23:54:00.000+01:00

Last saturday I had one of those sessions again. Starting to cry, wondering why I was not allowed to awaken. All those people, bitches, drogadicts and fanatic religious ones. They made it. But I was denied. Why? Thay always said that one should be nice and good to be able to enter the kingdom of Gods. But to me it seems that the meaner one is, the easier to get there.

The awakened ones always talk about being the one. But they don´t dare speak for it. So, how can they clame to be the universe if they are not me? Instead of being One, they are separated. Limited by their brains.

Yesterday the second entity in my head was really persistent. Pushing its head up like a snake. Starting to think. Starting the old fashioned way of dealing with questions. So hard to suppress. But I will conquer it. I´ll never submit to believe in halftruths. Sometimes I think I might turn around and become a bad person. But I will not do that either. I don´t really like the idéa of revenge. Only when I am angry.

So, now the peace ended.

2008-12-22T10:12:00.001+01:00

I have been aware it starts moving again.

Today I biked to the forest for a while. And I feel the longing. The loning for for spirituality, to become one. But I neiher will or can go there again. I have to be careful so the nature don´t trick me.

Today, as usual, heart stated to weep. It´s bleeding and tears starts to run down the cheak. And I get pissed. I am not getting to fool myself again. If I was not allowed to go there before, why the hell should I now? No, they just want the satiesfaction of seeing me smashed once more. I´m not going to read a lot of that trash again, just to throw it out the window. So fucking meaningless.

I AM NOT GOING THERE AGAIN. If they think it is fun to punish me for that, go ahead! That hurts less because then I know it is because I defy it.

Here we go again!

2008-12-11T16:58:00.000+01:00

Seems like peace is over for now.
Today I was biking in the countryside. Then it starts, first the longing for spirituality, the connection with nature. But I resist, I can´t go there again, don´t want to.
Heart starts to blead, tears falls, just the same game as allways. Trying to get me there, inserts hope, just to smash my head all over again. I will not do it. I am not going there again.
Why do they think it is so fun to hurt me? I will not spend 30 years to study stupid religions just to throw it out the window. I refuse! I will not do it.

If tehy think it is so fun to smash me, well, they can do it, it does not make me change my ming.
Go to hell!

The brain

2008-12-05T09:17:00.001+01:00

Havn´t been here……….

,,,,,,,,much lately and that is great.
Spirituality is as toxic as drogs so it will probably take years before I am free of it. Dome days it just pops up and makes demands, but so fat I am able to resist.

I am now busy with finishing everything that is left after my dad died. Then I have a lot to do with photographing and the other blogs I have. I keep myself very busy. But this morning I stoped and wondered why. But I know why, it is to keep myself free of spiritual thoughts.

I have read some more about the brain. The research nowadays reveal a lot of the brain. For now it seems like all spiritual experiences is just gosts created in the brain. Everything we experience is only works of the brain. Spiritual stuff no different. It is just about the brain. And when we die, it is gone. And that is good, that is the real comfort. If there is one.

The brain seem to be constantly changing, new pathways are created. Somewhere is those spiritual experiences created. Not different from our experience of colors or sound or warmth.
So, life is only created in our brains, when the brain is shut down there is nothing more to experience. That is true death.

So, I keep busy to fool the brain, locking certain things out.

Caregiving over

2008-11-26T21:01:00.001+01:00

Dad past away last sunday. Now I have 6 weeks to finish his home. Last bills, split the home between children and grandchildren. Ending evrything and finally throw away everything nobody wants to keep.

Can´t help but think, now when my caregiving duty is over for now, what is spiritside going to haunt me with now? I bet it will be ugly.

One of those nights

2008-11-11T11:17:00.000+01:00

Again I had one of those nights when the pillow gets wet.

Spirituality knocking on the door making heart sobb. I had to put a towel on the pillow to avoid getting it all soaked down. It took me two hours and two Valeriana pills to finally go to sleep. Today I feel empty.

The only good thing is that it is longer now between those attacks. Hopefully it will subside entirely.

To hell with it

2008-10-28T22:16:00.001+01:00

The last couple of days has been kind of emotional. Yesterday it was a very nice autum morning. I took a walk down to the lake. But instead of finding peace there was a black hole in my chest. An empty space that should have been filled with content and peace with self.

Then the internet trouble started and I got furious. That was all that was needed to set all emotions to start. Blaming the Universe for every crap that happens. The longing for death. Why the h-l live a life like this? It´s disgusting. And for no sk-n reason.

Today the intestines started to bleed. They always do when I am troubled. So now I can really live out my hate for the universe. To hell with it.

For Fin

2008-10-10T22:16:00.002+02:00

I´ve been wondering why you wrote me of all people to get the adress. Maybe I have something to tell.

I don´t know why you wanted to talk to no1, but maybe you don´t need to.

As I see it now, none of them has anything important to say. They are unable to help as they are not done themselves. They claim to be one with the universe, awaken or what ever. But they are not. They are still stuck in the body and limited to it. They think they know The All, but, yet they have no access to my mind. They have no clue of what is going on in my mind. Or yours. I could never see myself as finished as long as the mind is limited. Yea, they have come a long way, but they still have a long way to go.

Chip and grimnexus was the two that knew me best. Yet none of them understood what is going on in my mind. I don´t think they even believed me.

And all those teachings, the secrets. Chip told me of a well kept secret she had discovered. But that was a thing I have known for decades. A comon thing in my eyes. And she was amazed.

I read the Tibetan book of the dead. That book needed only to be one page long. All it said was: recognice all that comes as being yourself. Know the energy to be you!

I started to read one of the books of D Lama.The Dzogchen one. He lived all his life learning Buddism. Yet for all learning and a lifetime of living it, he dared not say he was awakened, and he did not teach his own knowing. Halfway into the book I got mad and throw the book into the lake where I was sitting. It´s on the bottom now I guess, covered with mud. There was only booklearning in there, and nothing I did not already know.

Since then I refuse to do any work in that area. I´ve been stoped, I´ve been hit, I´ve been covered again with the dirt I cleaned of, to not discover the truth. Now I don´t any more. I am pissed of to not be allowed to do myself what I was supposed to do. If the spirit wants to go further, it is up to it. I don´t bother any more.

What I want to say really is that I don´t think you need to consult anybody. They have nothing to tell you. If they can´t read your soul, if they can´t see/be your mind, they are not done. And none of them can, they can´t penetrate that barrier. And then, they can´t help you. But at least grim knew that there is more. He was still searching last I heard anything.

If ever I will "awaken" I expect it to be no limits whatsoever. With the body only as a channel to communicate to the world of matter.

Forest

2008-09-22T17:01:00.000+02:00

Was in a forest today looking for mushrooms. Spent a very nice time in there. Until……….the forst started to wisper….join me, link your mind with mine. Tears started to come but I pressed it back. Am not going t cry.

Earlier when this happened I usually found a good stump to sit on, then entered meditation. The me/forest was the only thing existing.

Today I closed, bit my tounge and left the forest. Heart crying, but I can´t risk being beaten again.

Chip

2008-09-18T01:09:00.003+02:00

I miss you, but the one I miss is the one you were before awakening. There was a lot of fun then. Since then we headed in opposite directions.

Bird watch

2008-09-18T01:09:00.000+02:00

Last saturday I attended a birdwatch event. First time for me on such a fieldtrip. (funny, now I have a hard time writing in english, getting used to the swedish blogs)

We were 6 people going to Lake Kvismare Bird Observatory. I had a great time but that was not what I was going to write about. I have that in swedish blogs.

After I got back home looking through the images I realised one thing. For 6 h I had 5 people around me that I never met before. 1 woman, 4 men. I had moved among them as if they had been ONE person. Bet that is how bees work. This group, from my point, had acted and moved as one unit in a way I have not encountered before. Strange!

On the door

2008-09-14T12:14:00.001+02:00

The doorbell rang. Open the door. Outside is a couple, middleage. I spot the bible in the mans hand.

No damned bible here..........I say...........slamming the door shut.

Where do I belong?

2008-09-09T10:32:00.000+02:00

The past three weeks I have worked with a new blog. A nature and photo blog. What else? This is a swedish one and it has taken rather much time. I wanted to write exclusively about nature and photo. No human troubles or religious stuff. Wanted to make it an oasis for people to visit and just enjoy.

Well, this is a blog community that one of our newspapers provide. So, looking around, and to make my blog known , I visited some blogs. Already after three weeks I am tired to death. This is why I withdrew a couple of year ago. The same issues, the same problems. The meaner the better. There are a few nice ones of course. But it seems, still, that people just loves to misunderstand each other. The "under the belt" blogs draws a lot of attention. And the subject "nature" is not even on the list.

I´ve already been through all that stuff. Have no wish to repeat it. Even if I have the experience to help out here and there they will not listen. Or, my voice is drowning in the crowd. It makes me sick to read about everything knowing I can´t do a shit about it. There will be no change, everybody trapped in their own situation.

Can´t be there, can´t be in spiritual community either. Spiritworld saw to that. In between! Belonging nowhere. That´s me.

Went thro the rainy forest yesterday. When the forest is wet it becomes so clear. It is like you can see every detail that you normally don´t. You can see the details as clear as the whole. My mind should be that clear, seeing everything, the whole, be able to see the atoms in the body, see the tiny forming the big things. Everything, being one. Shapes forming and disappering. Constant movement. Knowing everything. That is what my mind should be. Not "in between". Mind open, allknowing.

Shit

2008-09-04T10:04:00.001+02:00

I wonder what great lesses is to be learned by feeling like you have to shit all day? Is there a universal wonder to discover?

Really, I am tired of this. I never knew why I have to drag this body around in the first place. Heavy and tiresome. Unbending, with a lot of functions I could be without. I know, the body is a wonder in many respects, but when it comes to the handling of waste and the mind, it really sucks. A body that does not agree with what I want. Brains that goes it´s own way no matter what I want. Even inventing things that isn´t "real" what ever that is! What´s the point? In One living system there should be agreement in how to live and what to want. Spirit and body should not disagree. And the universe should not interfere either. Making the pictue even more complicated.

Is there no shitten rules to this?

Talk about shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Garden cross spider

2008-09-01T22:13:00.002+02:00

Watched a TV-program about gravity this evening. The gravity net in the universe, keeping it all together. Then this little friend weaved a net on my balcony. Nice. Havn´t seen such a nice net for years. Coincidence? Does not matter really, I knew that already. It just got visible.

Forest and blogs

2008-08-26T11:24:00.001+02:00

The past week I have set up a blog in Sweden. A request from my sister actually. She thought the blog community lacked a natureblog.

Well, already after a week I find I can´t do this. I can´t write about the serenity of the forest and lake. That what I used to feel and as I wanted to relay to others. The thing is, I can´t go there anymore. I can´t be one with the forest or lake as I used to. I can no longer draw strength from nature. I am just a visitor now, I still see the beauty of it, but that is all. As soon as I just think of expanding my mind to join nature, I back off. My brain tells me it is no danger, but my spirit says it is.

How could this happen, how could it become like this? My entire existence is crippled. Oh dear……

I wish I was…

2008-08-25T21:47:00.001+02:00

a butterfly. Fluttering around on delicate wings. Visiting flowers. With thoughts light as smoke rising towards the sky.
Until……..I realised they too, are dragged towards earth. As trapped as we are.

What has it done

2008-08-21T10:05:00.000+02:00

Really, isn´t that boring but I can´t get away from thinking of what it has done to me. There are 2 main things.

1 it taught me to hate. Never did that before, but now I do.
2 it spoiled the fun of life. Taught me what meaningless is. No matter what I do it does not really matter. I can have fun for a while but still, it is empty have no value to it. Just a way to pass time and it is still better to have fun than not.

So why am I not sitting in a corner doing nothing? Because the body is restless. So, for now, I am setting up a new blog. My sis thought it is a shame there are no blog describing nature. So, to make her happy, I´ll do that for a while.
Pretending it matters.
Can as well do that.
Body wants to feel needed.
Maybe I can fool myself if I try hard enough.
Forget for a while.

Difficult

2008-08-17T17:17:00.000+02:00

Life has become difficult. Avoiding everything spiritual or regligous is a really hard task. There is no newspaper or magasin without writing about it in different ways. Not to mention books. I can hardly read a book anymore as sooner or later there will be churches or priests in the drama. In every paper there are articles about how to become happy and content. By things, by shampoo, by aerobics, by meditation and of course, by God. And it is all lies.

Often I turn of the movie I am watching ecause there is religions involved. Or people are just treating each other like s-t. And I hate that.

Yesterday it occurred to me that there will be even more obstacles because of my situation. If I go on another travel, the travel agency has booked a lot of churches to watch. I will have to remain outside. If, in a couple of years, my grandkids wand to get married and choses to do that in church, I can´t go. Not anymore. Already 5 years ago I felt uncomfortable when I was exposed to one of those crosses. And it has not get any better. How can I tell them that I will not visit any churches, no matter who are going to marry or baptise a child. That will be hard, but I will not be able to do it. I can come to the dinner later on maybe. But that will not be the same. Hope when that day comes, they will understand, but I doubt that.

Life has become difficult, religions and spiritual staff is everywhere you turn. Almost impossible to avoid. I just can´t handle it.

Packing

2008-08-15T23:14:00.001+02:00

Dreamt I was going somewhere so needed to pack. Started to do that but stopped, raised my head, blindly looking forward, then dropped the arms… stopped packing………………

Headache and more tears

2008-08-14T11:09:00.000+02:00

Yea, it gives me headache.

The other day there were a lot of hits on this blog. I wondered why. Then my sister suddenly wrote me about a site with something called Mindfulness. Seen it before and it is nothing other then a version of everything else. Meditation and other things. Can trap you as easy as religious crap. Easier, as it seems harmless enough without dogmas.

I was wondering why she wrote about that as she always are against anything religious and has very determind idéas of how easy it is to stay away. L

Now it seems like it was she that was reading and then wrote about mindfulness. L (Another trick from the universe? Using my sister?) Then she told me she did not want to link to my new photoblog as it was leading, in a number of steps, to ADNOTS. I did not even think she new about it. Does people really click on every button they see? I did not even knew it was possible to go that way. Just thought people stumbled over ADNOTS by accident or "old friends" visiting once in a while.

And then my reaction……………geeee, I am really messed up. The Universe did a great job breaking me. How could it do this to me? It is supposed to be a wonderful thing???? And now……………well, I need this blog anyway. It is a kind of safetyvalve. Helps me stay sane, or…….as sane as I can be.

And, if somebody decides to stay away from so called spiritual stuff after reading this, then something good came out of it. So, sis, no need to read this anymore, it is as good as it gets. I have to live with it, don´t do the same mistake.

Well, as I am at it………..human.2

2008-08-12T11:01:00.000+02:00

……..I can as well continue on the other subject.

In one of the science mags I read there was a whole lot of articles about the "human.2". meaning that humans.1 is out of date and what will version 2 become?

A lot of question arises. Will we become cyborgs? That seem to be the most likely outcome. Or will we be prefect individuals created in a test tube. By genetheraphy or cloning?

What does that mean to the soul? If there are something like the soul? If there are an evolment chain working through karma and rebirth, how will it be effected by a human created "perfect" individual? In the early stages of the embryo they are able to change genes for sicknesses, keep the genes for blue eyes and delete the brown colors. Choose whether it shall be a foy or girl. They can make us intelligent by either genetheraphy or adding a computerchip to the brain. Artificial eyes and ears and hands.

What does all this mean to spiritual evolvment? How does it affect what is "me". If, for once, I consider it a good thing. Has the universe accounted for all "happy people" created to live a good life without sicknesses or unhappyness? Living for hundreds of years as if they were only 30 years of age.

I just wonder………………….. as to me it seems that, up to now at least, the means of spiritual evolvment is due to how unhappy and pissed you are. So, how will it work in the future when we deside. Can we deside how our sense of "me" shall be? Can we create what "I am" is to be? Cheat evolution?

Orange peeler

2008-08-12T10:35:00.001+02:00

Last week I got the usual advertisment letters from one of our bookclubs. It is always large letters and beside the ad paperwork they always put in some stuff. It has been a lot of pencils, rubbers, a tiny plate, red plastic hearts and a lot of other stuff. This time they got me. All of which it forces you to open the envelope as you cant throw it in the paper recycling box. An orange object a bit curved with an hook or something in the middle. It alluded my fantasy completely. No matter how I tried. Asked my dad to. We came out empty. Sooooo, found an emailadress to the company and asked the support department. It was an orangepeeler!!!!! What the h-l has an orangepeeler to do with books?

Somehow this reminds of this spiritual stuff. The other side persists in sending those never understood "gifts". What for? Just to make us first, feel choosen and important, then frustrated as you never understand what the h-l it is all about. Are they doing it on purpose? Yea, I say "it" as that is the reality I live in. No matter how much there are only one universe. The Universe has no emailadress or supportdepartment to turn to. Just worthless "guides".

As you, the reader that still visits this blog, can see, it never leaves you. No matter what! I find no wisdom in this. At least, for now, it keeps a low profile.

O, dear!

2008-08-05T22:37:00.001+02:00

Bath-tub-thoughts! That dream! It seems like, as soon as I recognize the dreams pattern I take control, the dream becomes vivid. I did not miss the train this time, I left it. And…somebody followed me out. That person was the one picking up phones to start retrieving my possessions because I did not really care. In the tub, where thoughts usually runs free I recognised that individual as the "guide" or whatever it/he was, was the same as visited me a number of times in dreams and meditations some years ago. The one that put the dirtcover back on me. It has been gone for about two years now so did not recognise it at once. This time I did not miss the train, I left it, and was brought back on the track, if not the train. Earlier it stoped me, now it pushes me onward. Don´t they know what they want?

What does that mean? Is that one back to keep me going. Well, now when I know I can act accordingly. Bet they put me in an airplane next time. That has not happened yet. Pretty hard to leave it then, right? I´ll take a parashute. lol

Again

2008-08-05T16:01:00.001+02:00

not surprisingly I, again, had a traindream and did not reach the destination. lol It is almost fun.

This time I was on the train to go to a town for some education I think. Every time the train had stoped I had walked out to look at the surroundings. Close to the destination it stoped again. I walked out and so did another passenger, a male. We talked and walked a bit along a rockwall. Then turned and remembered that the train would probably leave soon. Walked a bit faster, but, of course, the train started as soon as we spotted it. There we were, train leaving station. We did not even get upset. It was somehow expected. We got to the station and could borrow a thelephone so we could phone whoever was in charge to be able to retrive our possessions and get to the destination. Inside I was bubbling with laughter.Thinking to myself, when is this "not reaching the destination" going to end?

If anybody wonder why I write down all those dreams, it is because those are the only dreams that I remember. Normally I never remember dreams.

It begins

2008-08-04T14:58:00.000+02:00

O, my poor soul. How it longs, and my hands wants to type to spirit sites. But it does not matter, I will not go there. I will not start that all over again. It has not proven anything to me. I still see only smashes coming. I am not going back no matter how much the soul wants it.

The fight is on……….Get out of my system!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling others

2008-08-01T10:05:00.000+02:00

In my life I have always been sensitive to others. What they feel, how they express things. Even if I had not the same experience I was able to understand their emotions about things.

Lately that has changed somehow. Today I can walk in the shop, seeing a mother and a child. And for a brief moment I AM that mother or the child. I see situations and I am instantly one of the persons. Just for a moment. It´s kind of weird. It even works on birds. I not only notice its behavior, I AM it for a moment.

Strange!

Here we go again! Traindream! What else was expected?

2008-07-29T10:49:00.001+02:00

It does not give up? Does it.?

This time I will just give a short version of the dream.

I was in the trainstation serching for the departure of a train. I was supposed to go to some sort of celebration for me. At first there was somebody accompany me, but that person disapperd. (chip?) Then I needed to go to a restroom but found only a mens one. So went in there. Met somebody I talked to. When going out I noticed my glasses was gone. And now the time was short for departure. Searched for a moment but decided I had to run for the train. Did so. But, of course, the train left when I had but 2 m left. Stood there, thinking I could take the next one, turned to go back for the glasses. I never went back as I was aware of the nature of the dream. I had recognised it.

How many of these have I dreamt? And why? I does not make sense. Here is a complaint I am not doing the shitten work, loosing my lifes goal. BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GO THERE I GOT STOPPED. SMASHED, HIT, LEFT ON THE FLOOR CRYING. I HAD MY BRAIN SPLIT, BEEN CRYING OCEANS OF TEARS. WHEN I CLEANED THE AURA… THE DIRTCOVER WAS PUT BACK ON ME. WHEN I WANTED TO LEARN HEALING I WAS HIT BY LIGHTNING, TOLD NOT TO GO THERE. WHEN TRYING TO GO THROUGH THE VAIL IN MEDITATION, THE FIRE WAS PUT DOWN, ENDED, KILLED! I WAS THROWN OUT. And yet, it has the nerve to tell me I failed.

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT WANT FROM ME? I CERTAINLY CANT BOTH GO THERE AND NOT, SIMULTANEOUSLY. AND NOW I HAVE NO WHISH TO GO, IT HAS NOT EARNED MY TRUST. I AM NOT GOING TO BE SMASHED ONCE AGAIN. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO THERE!

Get the hell out of my system! Don´t give me any more of those shitten dreams!

So stupid it makes me angry

2008-07-17T22:15:00.001+02:00

This morning I dreamed again. But this time it took me several hours before I realized what it was all about. A coment to my last posting.

I dreamt that my mother, who past away last october, came to the house. She looked very dead. But she was a teacher now, obviously. Then my dad, still alive, was joining her. They made a lot of fuss to be certain I understood that they were going to another town to teach somebody else. They really made it clear that they were leaving to do that.
End of dream.

So, this time it was no missing any trains or cargoships. This time the teacher was going elswhere. Really……..going.

The dream so stupid it makes me sick to my stomach. Where the hell is the wisdom? If this is "guiding" it is sooo bad it makes me ashamed. It behaves like an imature teenager. Pisses me off. Is there no remedy that can poisen this so I get rid of it?

Mist

2008-07-14T19:46:00.000+02:00

When I come in here nowadays, I find it strange. Was all this real? It was what my life circled around for 10-12 years. Something like that. Now it seems like a dream, a bad dream, far away, covered in mist. It´s hard to understand it was real. The urges, the longing, the duality. I never understood it.

Most of the time it was nothing but pain and suffering. I have to admit though that there was some good friends to light it up. Well, if they was friends, or if I was? Makes no difference, it is all gone now. Don´t think there will be much more to analyse. That world, that bad dream, is fading away like in the movies. Life comes back.

What I learned, if I learned, went away faster then it came. Left me empty. In the mist.

Maybe it is time to close this site?
Kids, kayaking, butterflies…………….that´s life!

Flying free

2008-07-11T14:52:00.002+02:00

Too bad it isn´t me.

Responsibility?

2008-07-09T11:48:00.001+02:00

Have been reading a mag about the mind and brain. (Scientific American Mind).

One really wonders, can a person ever hold responsibility for what is wired in the their brains? I mean, everything seem to depend on how the brain is built. Everything from happiness to becoming a murder and abuser. Cancer as well as sleep patterns, your sexual desires as well as your taste of food. There is literally nothing that can be said to be "your own choice". It is all dictated by the brain.

Makes me wonder about Karma. Is it the law of karma that wires our brains? Sending us into one disaster after another? Maybe people needed an explanation for how we work and did not know what caused it. So "the law of karma" was invented. If Karma really exists………who is responsible for wiring our brains? Who is so great it can deal with us as it chooses? And mostly treat us like shit? WHO has the RIGHT to do it? I am not sure I like to hear the answer.

In an article I have read about religious experiences. That too is wired in the brain as it seems. Surely visions and altered states of mind depends of conditions of the brain.

So, I am not responsible for anything. Not even what I choose to eat. Or whom I love. If I do love at all.

: (

Butterflies takes over my head

2008-07-06T23:13:00.000+02:00

lol

Suffering

2008-06-28T23:34:00.001+02:00

The way i see it, the only reason for suffering is ………progress.
Without suffering and dispair there would be stagnation. And life don´t like that.

So, problem is: awakened people say there is “nothing” and “nothing happens” ….ever!….how is that possible? If that is true, there would be no suffering and no dispair. And nobody to feel any of it.
PERIOD!

Here we go again.

2008-06-25T12:02:00.001+02:00

Started again this morning. Had to take some pills again. It is soon time to get a new prescription if this continous the pesent pattern.

It is like having a bad boyfriend. Somebody that don´t love you but has to show its power over you. Stalking you! Never leave you. Promises good things but the only thing you get is pain and suffering.

I hate it.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my brain malfunctioning. But I don´t think so because this never happens around people. Only when I am alone. And when I visited a doc he did not think I was mad.
When will it end, when will I go into oblivion? Whish my dad could pass so I am free to do the same. Forest, lakes, butterflies and wild strawberries or family does not help anymore. Deathwish is strong. Probably the only way to cheat it, to escape.

Again

2008-06-22T16:22:00.000+02:00

This morning it started again. Those convulsive feelings that cames before the crying attacks. Took some calming pills to prevent it to proceed.

I hate this, I can´t even enjoy life because of it. It´s always below the surface. Wanting, demanding. Waiting for a chance to act. …when my guard is low………just to hit me again! L

How I hate it! The only thing I want is to die, not leaving any trace behind, never live on other planes. “Higher” they call them. What a joke, I don´t WANT to live forever in some shitten eternity. I don´t care how it is. Is it too much to ask……..just to dissappear……never to be aware again.

I HATE THIS!
And………again…………it´s raining tears……..does not matter, am not starting all over again. Will take more pills.

Abusive bitch!

2008-06-16T10:44:00.000+02:00

If, as they say, nothing matters and nothing exists, THEN no agony should be needed. The damned universe should not hold everybody in pain. It is not needed.

The sh-n universe is an abusive bitch. And it still don´t get it, I don´t want to become what it seems to be. It is still sneeking around to try to lure me to start all over again. Just to smash my head once again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I am not doing it. Get the h-l out of my system!

The past days I´ve been watching news again. Have avoided it for a couple of years. Really, awakened people thinks it is all ok, no good, no bad. All is fine! What a joke. If it does not matter, why all evil?

Something is very wrong about this stuff.

The “Ride” again

2008-06-12T10:37:00.002+02:00

Several years ago when I looked after my grandkids I had an experience I called the Timetrain.

Since then, when I shall do things I don´t normally do, I end up in that “Timetrain”. I find myself, as now, sitting there just watching what happens. The body moves around and the spirit sits watching. That lasts until I am back home again. Well, really, it happens more and more often even when I do daily things.

Pleasant ride! Today my granddaughter fininish primary school and she wanted a visit to celebrate.

The “Ride” again

2008-06-12T10:37:00.000+02:00

Rid yourself………….

2008-06-09T22:25:00.000+02:00

……………of men and “Gods” and suddenly …. life is almost worth living.

………..same old

2008-06-01T00:04:00.000+02:00

Have been trying to read books again. Usual books about people. Not spiritual ones. It does not interest me anymore. People does not bother me anymore. Chip said it is a beautiful world. I wonder what kind of eyes she ses with? To me it is just “same old, same old” everything I see and hear and read………. been there before. Feelings, idéas, adventure……….been there, old stuff. Why do I recognise everything? And nobody recognises me.

It starts pulling again, for what purpose? There is nothing for me to read and nobody for me to talk to. Vacuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Apartments again

2008-05-27T11:21:00.000+02:00

First, my dad told me yesterday he had been visited by my mother twice last night. She died 8 months ago.

OK, woke up rather early this morning but managed to go back to sleep. Woke up again after 2.5h and I think the dream lasted the better part of that time.

First I was in the old place where I was working for Gunnar. It was an old, molten and dark place and I had lived there for long. There was the big old aquarium, still there, but with no fish any more. (have dreamt about it 2 before) I was cleaning up some stuff there. Old papers and stuff to throw away. Then some people arrived, and a woman came to find me. She had a parcelgoods with furniture to deliver to me.

Oh, but it shall not be in here, you have to take it to the new appartment. A place I hired in another dream. A big appartment on the topfloor of a building. Then I hurried on to clean out the old one fast so I could go to the new one and receive that parcelgoods.

When I came to the buildning I realised I had to climb on the wall, passing a very narrow place to get to the top floor. When I got into the appartment there was, again, a lot of old stuff, not mine, to clean out. Remember a lot of residue of wallpaper. So, old large appartment that is supposed to become nice and great. The first piece of furniture is in place. But I still don´t know what it was.

*************************’
So, if I get this right, I have now cleaned out and left a lot of crap behind. I am in the new place and have to make it that great place to be in. Still a lot of work to do. But with what am I supposed to fill it? I can´t use the old stuff. There can be no reading old texts for clues.

Well, anyway, it is better to build anew. But with what??????????? Better not be too happy, can still mean a lot of grief.

Gone!

2008-05-22T23:27:00.001+02:00

Now, all books are gone. Threw them out this morning. Now I only have to “clean up” the computer. Lot´s of links to delete.

Dzogchen ended up in the lake

2008-05-21T23:06:00.001+02:00

Says it all, doesn´t it? It´s been nagging at me for a couple of days. Tried to read some by the lake today. It is just crap, all of it sooo……..ended up in the wet. Guess I am done reading now. It became food for fish.

What an awful day.

2008-05-18T16:36:00.000+02:00

Today I was checking out some DVD.s with relaxing systems in them. Like yoga, tatji and such.
I ended up with a day like the one in december. One crying attack after another. Kept going on for three hours. Hurts like hell. Why don´t they just kill me? I don´t want to live like this. For how many more years do I have to live like this? It does not matter what I do or not do. I still end up in this horrible situation. Why don´t they just kill me?

My eyes are sore after floods of tears, my head aching, the muscles are stiff and hurting from defence system, trying to smash things in anguish. The workout maschine was hit hard today. Trying to release some of the pain. Then I took a pill to ease it for a while.

Why don´t they just kill me if they never aprove of what I do? I wish my dad dies so I can kill myself as they don´t do it.

Sore muscles

2008-05-18T00:10:00.000+02:00

My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them. L

Yeah…. like choosing between plague and cholera. To ease the stiff and aching muscles I have to go where I know I will ultimately be back in being smashed. Is there any way to balance this at all? How can I let the body use what the mind can´t handle? Is it possible at all? When the body relaxes into ……… the mind and spirit follows, then, back to being smashed………..like before, so many months to try to heal, just to being cut to pieces again.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I can´t.

Free will & Sore muscles

2008-05-17T09:33:00.002+02:00

Was reading about tests indicating free will as tests indicate descission is made before we are aware of it. I´d say these testresults is not an indication if there is free will or not. It is more likely to be the first indication that we are NOT the body/brain. There is a spirit of sorts that IS US. That spirit “me” is doing the descision, then there is a delay until it can be executed in the body. Much like a driver in a car. The driver makes the decision, then it has to be trenaformed to the car that executes it. And much like a driver is dependent of the quality of the car, the spirit is dependent of the quality of the body-brain system at it´s disposal.

So, more research might show us the spirit that we are. And the question of free will must be placed on a higher level.

My body is soo tense, every muscle seem sore. Think it is coming from “defending myself from unwanted influence”. Have to find a way to ease it, relax them.

Tibetan book

2008-05-13T21:12:00.001+02:00

In the bath tub I was thinking, minds wandering actually, that I should not really have to figth the spiritual. As they say, chip and more, the universe is static and don´t move, so why am I in this fighting and avoiding situation? They also say there is no emotions, so how can I be hurt?

The Tibetan book I wrote about before, that was wrong too. If I can “recognise myself as that energy” then it is something outside “myself”. And it can´t be “me”. When I am IT, there is nothing outside to recognice. So that book is compleately worthless.

Mind is constructing a huge amount of lies to keep it where it is. Separate! So difficult to harnest. Even when you know it, so hard to convince the mind, the tragic of life. Even if the mind wants to die, it clings.

So, why waste so much energy on fighting something that don´t exist? Should not have to do that.
But as long as it harass me, I guess I have to. Mind just loves to invent stories and intrigues.

European song contest

2008-05-09T11:04:00.000+02:00

Another dream on the same topic. I miss the event!

SOOOOOOOO WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Stopp harrasing me. This time I was compeating in the song contest. Just before I was to perform I realised I lost the lyrics. It was no way I could remember it. When searching for a paper with it on I missed the time I should be on stage. So, then I ran up a long stairway to get to the stage, hopefully I would remember when the music started. But it was too late, when I get there my time was over already.

So, once again, I “missed the train, or ship or songcontest”. And yet again I scream: get out of my head! How the hell am I supposed to know what you expect me to do?

If you want it soo bad, the hell, tell me what to do! Or finally, get the hell out of my head. I can´t both do something and be stopped when trying.

I refuse in playing this stupid game.. I don´t care, when I die I am gone, what happens to you is not my concern, sooo, get the hell out of my head.

I was accused of not listening, but what happens to me has nothing to do with “teaching” as I understand it. It is about what happens, not what is said.